After Jim McGreevey's 2004 gay confession it became obvious why the then New Jersey Governor offered little if no resistance to the passage of the New Jersey Domestic Partnership Law. He was himself gay, albeit living a secret life. When he came out McGreevey lost his marriage and his political career at the hands of a $50 million extortion plot against him by his alleged lover and employee Golan Cipel. McGreevey's then wife lost her husband and the State of New Jersey lost a progressive governor. Seems like a lot was lost; no wonder so many gay married men stay in the closet and sneak around on the side.
Nonetheless, McGreevey's losses and the potential losses of other gay married men doesn't exonerate men on the down low from coming clean or, better yet, doing the right thing in the first place.
In his new book, The Confession, McGreevey tells of his hesitation disclosing the extortion plot against him due to fear it would expose his secret gay life. The blackmail led to his resignation and a public confession. Slick move. Fessing up to his infidelity requires far less damage control than exposure by an inappropriately placed aide. Confessions solicit sympathy, while exposure is synonymous with guilt. So, I must ask: Would James McGreevey have made his confession if he wasn't being blackmailed? As I explore the answer, his heroism seems less plausible. Before the threat, he- as with all other dl men- had his cake and well, ate liberally.
Sure, society is not generally kind to glbt people. What few understand is that we glbt are forced to question all major decisions in our lives for fear of discrimination, hate or ridicule. Kids get harassed at school for being gay; glbt people lose jobs and promotions; gays are injured or die at the hands of homophobes; the word "fag" continues to be used with no consequence yet millions of everyday glbt people still find the courage to go on without living double lives or cowardly making the "easy choice." Sure, the journey is tough, but the pain eventually fades into a personal world of self-acceptance- ironically much as Jim McGreevey now describes in his book. Unfortunately, he cheated on his road to acceptance- carrying along his heterosexual spouse and child on his journey.
By in large, what I'm attempting to convey is that now that McGreevey has confessed multiple times to the State of New Jersey, to his wife, in his book and on Oprah, he can sleep better at night; but he took the cowardly road and left a mess behind him that he no longer has to clean up- especially knowing he could have avoiding the scandal in the first place by being who he was pre-vows, birth certificates and office. Gay married men everywhere should take heed that a lie can only be lived for so long and the longer one waits, the higher the potential for internal and external pain.
I, as well as millions of glbt people around the world, know full well the anguish of not being able to come out and the fear that engulfs our existence once we do. But ultimately, it comes down to a choice: Face the fear head on or hide behind it until forced to come clean. Could McGreevey have come out given his career and family? Of course, at some consequence. Would he have if he were not being extorted? Probably not seeming he had the best of both worlds- a New Jersey state trooper escort to his lover's house, then home to his wife. McGreevey could have used his political career to further acceptance of glbt people. Instead, he's using a scandalous confession in hopes of doing the same. Once again, the easy road.
Profile:
James (Jim) McGreevey
News:
McGreevey Hopes Book Brings Acceptance
New Jersey Governor Resigns After Coming Out
New Jersey Domestic Partnership Law
McGreevey Polls:
Nonetheless, McGreevey's losses and the potential losses of other gay married men doesn't exonerate men on the down low from coming clean or, better yet, doing the right thing in the first place.
In his new book, The Confession, McGreevey tells of his hesitation disclosing the extortion plot against him due to fear it would expose his secret gay life. The blackmail led to his resignation and a public confession. Slick move. Fessing up to his infidelity requires far less damage control than exposure by an inappropriately placed aide. Confessions solicit sympathy, while exposure is synonymous with guilt. So, I must ask: Would James McGreevey have made his confession if he wasn't being blackmailed? As I explore the answer, his heroism seems less plausible. Before the threat, he- as with all other dl men- had his cake and well, ate liberally.
Sure, society is not generally kind to glbt people. What few understand is that we glbt are forced to question all major decisions in our lives for fear of discrimination, hate or ridicule. Kids get harassed at school for being gay; glbt people lose jobs and promotions; gays are injured or die at the hands of homophobes; the word "fag" continues to be used with no consequence yet millions of everyday glbt people still find the courage to go on without living double lives or cowardly making the "easy choice." Sure, the journey is tough, but the pain eventually fades into a personal world of self-acceptance- ironically much as Jim McGreevey now describes in his book. Unfortunately, he cheated on his road to acceptance- carrying along his heterosexual spouse and child on his journey.
By in large, what I'm attempting to convey is that now that McGreevey has confessed multiple times to the State of New Jersey, to his wife, in his book and on Oprah, he can sleep better at night; but he took the cowardly road and left a mess behind him that he no longer has to clean up- especially knowing he could have avoiding the scandal in the first place by being who he was pre-vows, birth certificates and office. Gay married men everywhere should take heed that a lie can only be lived for so long and the longer one waits, the higher the potential for internal and external pain.
I, as well as millions of glbt people around the world, know full well the anguish of not being able to come out and the fear that engulfs our existence once we do. But ultimately, it comes down to a choice: Face the fear head on or hide behind it until forced to come clean. Could McGreevey have come out given his career and family? Of course, at some consequence. Would he have if he were not being extorted? Probably not seeming he had the best of both worlds- a New Jersey state trooper escort to his lover's house, then home to his wife. McGreevey could have used his political career to further acceptance of glbt people. Instead, he's using a scandalous confession in hopes of doing the same. Once again, the easy road.
Profile:
James (Jim) McGreevey
News:
McGreevey Hopes Book Brings Acceptance
New Jersey Governor Resigns After Coming Out
New Jersey Domestic Partnership Law
McGreevey Polls:
- Would McGreevey have come out if he weren't blackmailed?
Yes | No ( see results) - Will McGreevey's confessions help other gay politicians come out of the closet?
Yes | No ( see results) - Will McGreevey's failed political career deter other gay married men from coming out for fear of consequences?
Yes | No ( see results) - Should politicians maintain traditional relationships?
Yes, leaders should preserve tradition |
No, a person's sexuality doesn't affect their ability to lead ( see results)
Thank you for your insight. I watched the Oprah show with my partner of 17 years and I felt sick. He left a lot of damage behind him. A loving wife and family and doesn’t deserve to profit from this experience. If it was up to me I would deny him membership in the gay club of life.
I have a slightly different perspective having been a married man with children myself. While I certainly don’t think McGreevey’s coming out should be commended or celebrated, it certainly can’t be denied that he experienced the whole coming out process in a media-intensified experience. His experiences resonate with many gay married men like myself. I am encouraged that despite the media hype his experiences do not seem to have been significantly different than other men put in this position.
It is estimated that over 2 million gay men are in traditional man-woman marriages in the USA. I think it is too easy to condem these men for not figuring out things earlier and simply living the gay life. The married men that I have discussed this with do not regret having gotten married and having kids and living the American Dream. However, when that dream falls apart for one reason or another, as more than half of all marriages do, life offers a new chance to redefine your sexuality. It doesn’t mean giving up on your kids or your family. However, often the spouse cannot be accepting of a mixed-orientation marriage for a whole host of reasons. It is undeniable that this disclosure is hurtful to the spouse, however, truth is always better than lies.
I think it is unfair to chastize McGreevey for making a profit from his book. You can bet both his wife and his kids will benefit from the money that he makes selling the book. Helping out your family even if now it includes a boyfriend is what life is all about. Let McGreevey bask in his self-acceptance of his new found homosexuality without the often found scorn of gays tearing down other gays.
McGreevey would have eventually come out anyway. The research on this topic shows that most gay married men try to contain their homosexual feelings but eventually they meet the right guy and that event is life-altering. Over 90% of men in these circumstances divorce within two years of revelation and acceptance. I have peer counseled hundreds of men who have been in this situation and it takes a lot of courage to come to terms with it. McGreevey did not take the easy way out, and going public with his book will help thousands of guys who are in similar circumstances.
While I agree with some of what Johnson says, he becomes a little incoherent when he talks about what McGreevey ought to have done. On the one hand he calls staying married and closeted the “cowardly easy choice”. Then he calls McGreevey’s decision to confess publicly, sacrificing his marriage and career, “cowardly”, because McGreevey left behind a mess that he wouldn’t be around to clean up. It seems that in Johnson’s view there is only one non-cowardly option: never go in the closet, be aware of your homosexuality early in life, stand up for yourself, and never lie about anything. Great plan, and admirable. But what if you are a bi male in the extremely homophobic U.S. who finds himself married and middle-aged before you really understand the kinds of emotional and physical needs that go along with being bisexual? Most of the bi married men I know would agree that this situation offers no “easy choices” and that none of the paths can be characterized as cowardly. Even if Johnson himself had gone through this (loss of career and family through revelation of his own sexuality), he is still not entitle to tell other men how they should handle it, in my view.
Though I am not married to my boyfriend, I believe he is gay not bi, but gay. I confronted him about his sexuality by saying” you told me you were straight”, to which he replied, “I never told you anything”…The shock.
I have nothing against gay man, but I feel they should be with gay men not try and have a heterosexual relationship.
I even asked him to swear on our son and he refused to answer the question. I am very upset because this is not the type of topic you call your mom or dad or sister or friends about. This is still a taboo .
I wish he would tell the truth. He needs to so that we can figure out how to go from here.
Mr Johnson displays the opinion of many “career gays” (a term another formerly married gay man and I use to describe men who have been out their whole lives) I have come in contact with. Somehow, they feel that theirs was the only noble and upstanding choice for a gay man. What they fail to understand is that there is a much more complex array of issues that drive gay men to marry women. For many of us, it was a choice to allow sex to flow from emotional intimacy, something many of never experienced with men. If one holds this opinion, I don’t think being in the closet has anything to do with getting married. I for one made a mental choice to be married to the person with whom I felt emotionally united. Of course that intimacy has limits since one cannot share certain aspects of one’s life, like sharing a visceral love, and I believe it is that that many gay men in hetero marriages wake up to eventually. I have no regrets, I was married 20 years to a wonderful woman, who has now gone on to marry again. I found finally at 50 and 4 years after divorcing, a man who shares a similar desire for intimacy emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Ramon should hesitate before he casts judgment on someone.