Do You Fear Bisexuality?
Monday February 11, 2008
The bisexual man: a confused player that can't be completely trusted by other men or women since neither can fulfill his complete desires. The bisexual woman: a sexually liberal confidant eager to share her desires with multiple partners of choice. These: perceptions that run rampant among skeptics who consider bisexuality a phase (or as a permission slip for infidelity) and not a position of sexual moderatism.____
Read: Top Myths About Bisexual People
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Ironically, bi misconceptions don't go both ways (at least not equally). The men are easily seen as hosts of mistrust and the women: mavens of straight male fantasy. Are bisexual women more readily accepted than bi men? Why are bisexual women so often reduced to sex? Why is the bisexual man seen as having an insatiable sexual appetite?
The readers speak on bisexuality:
- I don't think that most women are threatened that their husband/boyfriend is bisexual because of prejudice; I think it is more along the lines of fearing that their man is revealing that he is attracted to a man and women don't have male parts. When you are competing with someone that you are not anatomically equal with it is hard to not feel that your man is going to decide he would rather be with a guy and have a different sort of sex life.
- I think bisexuality is harder for men than for women. Straight men get turned on by bisexual women and so it is something that is encouraged in our society. You will rarely meet a guy who is upset over his girlfriend's bisexuality. They usually love it! For bisexual men, it's harder, because straight women are not turned on by the fact that their man is [expletive] other guys. They feel threatened by it. And since society wants men to be either one thing or the other—either totally straight or totally gay, bisexual men have a hard time fitting in.
- I think there are two types of bisexuals:
1- First type are people who can fall in love with either gender but don't need both genders at the same time. So if that person is in a relationship with a man, they don't need to have sex with women. And if they are in a relationship with a woman, they don't need a man. They are perfectly content with the partner they are with. In my experience, they can be as faithful as anyone else.
2- The second type of bisexuals are the ones known for being unfaithful. They have a hard time sexually committing to one gender. So if they are in a relationship with a man, they also need to have sex with women on the side. And if they are in a relationship with a woman, they also need men on the side. I think people fear those bisexuals because they feel that they can only give them half of what they need. - Not all women would turn down a bisexual man. In fact, I would prefer to be with a bisexual man because as a bisexual myself, I feel that a lot of bisexuals are more enlightened about themselves and their sexuality, since I believe that it is the person and not the gender that is important. I think almost everyone is bisexual if they would open their minds to the conception.
Image © Gözde Otman.
Comments
I think we are all bisexual! If not all, most!
Thank you so much for posting this. I get sick of hearing the “It’s just a phase…” stuff from people even after being open about it for sixteen years.
Love your writings.
I’m dating a bisexual man right now. We are both black and I’m gay and we’re both in our 30’s. So far, we’ve been monogamous and he has sworn this to me. I just don’t know if he could be satisfied with me. Any advice? Should I break it off or continue? I’m pretty confused because I never thought that I would be dating someone who is bisexual!
Let me start with a Quote: “The time has come, i think, when we must recognize Bisexuality as a normal form of Human behavior… we shall not really succeed in discarding the straitjacket of cultural beliefs about Sexual choice if we fail to come to terms with the well-documented, normal Human capacity to Love members of BOTH sexes.” This quote goes back to 1975 by Margaret Mead one of the most highly respected Anthropologists of the last Century!!! I am a Bisexual and VERY proud of it and if ANYone can’t deal with that then the problem lies with them not me!!!
in all my years of dating it’s has always been the other person’s negative outlook. always worrying about what might be and not what it actually is.
If you keep doin’t whatcha been doin you’ll keep gettin whatcha been gettin.
Here you go, Bud:
Are You Enough For Your Bi Boyfriend?
Thanks Mona,
This is my first bi-sexual relationship and as such, it’s an adjustment for me. I was focusing on the negative and not the positive which is: out of both the men and women, he chose me. I chose to see the glass as half full instead of half empty. The crazy part? He has treated me with WAAAAAYYYYY more respect than ANY gay man or straight woman that I have ever been with. The even crazier part? We haven’t mde love yet out of fear from both of us but we are SWIFTLY overcoming that issue! It really feels good to be involved with a fellow black man though. WHether he is gay or bisexual. I have another question: Are there ANY gay or bisexual black meetings or organizations around? If so, PLEASE let me know. You advice REALLY helped me because I was going to break it off, I’m glad that I didn’t!
Personally, I prefer bisexual men. Not just because the idea of seeing two guys is incredibly hot (That’s just a bonus) but also because bisexual men are much more open with their sexuality. They tend to see the fluid nature of human sexuality more clearly and are less judgmental of others. Since I’m a very open minded woman i prefer an open minded, free-spirited man.
I’m involved with a bi-sexual man and the main hesitation for me making the move to become a “couple” is that I feared that I am not equipt to compete with a man. He assured me that he was only “bi-friendly” but after a year of us being together, I discovered that he had sex with a man right before I came over(he didn’t hide the evidence fast enough). I am in the process of trying to forgive him because I love him, but he kind of insinuated that it was my fault because I wasn’t into group sex and didn’t want to watch him have sex with a guy. My feelings have always been if you are in a monogamous relationship,cheating (hetero, homo, or bi) is not acceptable. He made it seem as if it is something he cannot control, as if he has to be with a man or TS gal. I don’t quite get his logic….
euphoria – - i would advise you not to get involved with that man unless you’re okay with fulfilling his sexual fantasies and believing his lies……which it seems like you’re not ok… just my advice. he would be an example of the “bad” bisexual guy as was briefly described above in the article. There are some good bi guys out there, too. Don’t be discouraged…
Why does everyone automatically equate bisexuals with promiscuity or needing to have both sexes at the same time? Thats the biggest barrier we have in life. We (bisexuals) are just as capable of having committed relationships with one person as anyone else! When we choose to be monogamous we are making a hard decision because we are giving up a part of our identity and choosing the partner above that. We become either fully gay or fully heterosexual ina committed monogamous relationship. Why dont people appreciate that?
Wow, I must be one of the few men who is really turned off by my girlfriends bisexuality…I cannot stand the idea of her with other girls, and I hate always being told “why can’t you like it that I have sex other girls?”. I just don’t! cheating is cheating no matter the gender.
i am in a relationship with a wondrful woman, but i keep getting the urge to have an encounter with another man[ ihave,nt up till now],some times during sex i ask her what she would like, she tells me she would like a younger woman to make love to her. this really turns me on, this is the same response each time we have sex,do you think that she really would like it or is it, as she says, just a fantasy, i have never told her about my feelings as i fer she may reject me, she is rather shy about sex and very reluctant to try different things,but she says she enjoys what we have
I have been married for 10 year to my husband. He never told me rior to our marriage, that he had been involved in several gay relationships. Our first 2 years of marriage were wonderful. Then he stopped wanting to have sex with me. I knew something was wrong. I asked many times if he wasn’t in love with me or what the problem was.
It took him another 6 years to tell me he had been molested from 9 y.o to 14. I listened, and said how important it was for him to know how much I loved him and now that I knew about this we would work on it together. He said he wanted counseling and felt that he had to finally tell me because of his love for me.
He went to counseling briefly and our marriage remained essentially the same sexually and started to diminish.
We separated for one year to take care of our parents health issues and to work on repairing our relationship.
During that year his mother and grandmother died within 3 weeks of each other.
During the year separation, he became a totally different person. He met knew friend and hour away from where he lived. He didn’t want me to meet them. He would stay out many times til 4-6 a.m and sometimes not return home til the next am. He stopped working. His personality changed drastically. Needless to say the truth came out unexpectedly. I confronted him aboutusing drugs and been bisexual. After hard evidence he admitted to both.
He spent most conversations telling me he had been faithful to me. I am hetero. I didn’t know how to respond to bisexuality.
I did not want to leave him because of my love for him.
I found too much evidence that he was untruthful to me.
I said many times to him why are you staying with me when it is obvious that you prefer the other side of bi.
He said that he gave up his “friend” for me, who he never did anything with and his friend doesn’t know he is bi. Both are untrue. I have proof of it.
I am hurting and want to be opened minded about bisexuality. I just feel that this relationship is doomed. Not because of his bisexuality, but his ease in lying to me. Any advise?
have also recently discovered my partner of 3 yrs is bi. He wont admit to it even in the face of hard proof. As we live in smaller country town i think he feels that if the truth gets out then his whole will change. in the meantime i am left with an angry frustrated man who wont face the truth. i am just hurt that he lied to me. i can deal with his sexuality but he cant. our relationship is doomed if he cant be honest. at least if he is honest then i, as his partner can make a learned decision about the matter. i think that he is embarrassed about his bisexuality.
I agree with Steve.
I try to be very open-minded about all people and all sexualities but I’m 100% lesbian so it’s hard for me to understand bisexuality. Sadly, I’ve only met the “#2″ bisexual’s as described in the topic post. My first girlfriend was bisexual and she wanted to date me and another man. I broke up with her after she told me that. Shortly after, I fell head over heals for another openly bisexual women. She wanted an “open-relationship” because she wanted to be able to have men on the side. She asked if I would be up for a 3some a few times but I’m no where near that open-minded. We did the “open-relationship” thing for almost 3 years. I stayed with her because I loved her and I thought she loved me. Eventually, the 3 am phone calls from random guys I’ve never met but that she had slept with asking ME if I’d be up for a 3some were too much. I wanted a monogamous relationship. She didn’t. So, I ended it. Guys usually like having bisexual girlfriends. I know the guys she hooked up with enjoyed that she’s bi. I figure if she’s with a guy she can have it both ways. With me, she can’t. All the bi girls I know are with men and are “swingers” or in open-relationships. Not saying ALL bi girls are like that, but that’s all I’ve ever seen, and it does paint a negative image in my mind.
It wasn’t really the bi thing that bothered me with my ex’s, because I believe everyone is born with their sexuality – be it gay/straight/bi. It’s that they wanted to bring guys into the relationship when I wanted JUST THEM. It’s just easier to be with another lesbian because I don’t have to worry about her pressuring for 3somes with men who I’m not at all attracted to. Lesbians get enough of straight men asking for 3somes (GRRR!) we shouldn’t have to worry about pressure from our bi girlfriends, too!
i believe that is a very stupid and ignorant comment to say of all men. that all staight guys are turned on by bisexuality in women. i have a bisexual girlfriend and i feel so threaened by it. never sure if she is truly attracted to me. always fearing when she hangs out with guys and girls by herself. its torture, i hate it so uch. i am deeply disturbed at the fact of her being with women and men. i am a staight man and this does not turn me on. i feel so threatened and afraid that she is not totally attracted to me. she might get bored or tired of my body then leave me. i just never feel safe
Wow..I didn’t know there were so many of us out there..It has been a hard life wondering why I was attracted to both sexes and not being accepted by either because of their mistrust. Unfortunately, I have found that many straight, gay, and even bisexual people can cheat when they are in relationships. We are bombarded constantly by sexual images and insinuatations by the media constantly..it’s a wonder anyone commits to a relationship! When I get involved with someone, it is because I choose to be with them..not because I want to have it all. I give the rest up for them, but most seem to not believe that. We need to trust more when we love. I wish I could meet a woman who could understand that about me and not be afraid that because she’s a woman I am going to leave her..
is it possible to have a male want to be a girl but this male is attracted to girls?
is there any info on this or does anyone have any comments to this????
please please, let me know.
thanks,
even email ur response to me pleaaseeee.
thanks so much
buschcolelove@aol.com
I am not dating a bisexual man but it was interesting to read xxx
i don’t think all people are Bisexual..not even most people! but only some most of the population of the world is straight or gay to be perfectly honest with you.
I am a 13 year old girl and i knew i was Bisexual when i was in year 2! x x x x x
hi,
i am from india and i am a BI sexual. My first sex encounter was with a girl when i was 14 and the she was 13, that was the only romantic hetero sexual intercourse activity in my life . Then few years after i was aroused by a guy 5 yrs elder than me, i had a new feeling and i liked it.i had sex( No intercouse ever) with him and his brother for 10 times in my life until 2003.I felt guilty all the time and never had gay sex till now.But had unromantic hetero sex for 7 times.
As i am an indian i have to agree for an arranged marriage and i have to hide (coz of social problems here) .
I am suffering mentally coz i dont want to hide and suffer later.
pls suggest me what to do?
reagards
I have a female friend who is Bi. She has a male kin who is flaming. I hear her clowning him all the times behind his back. Why is it that it seems ok for a female to be bi but males that are bi are looked at with eyes of ridicule?
i’m glad this topic was brought up. as a bisexual woman, i have actually encountered more gays that were unaccepting of my bisexuality than straights (straight women and men) who were unaccepting of it. Most of the unaccepting gays had either had bad experiences with bisexuals or have this idea that bisexuals are people who will never be pleased unless they have both sexes at all times. It’s frustrating because I’m bi, and right now I really like this girl, but she is hesitant to form a romantic relationship with me because I’m bisexual, and she fears that I won’t be complete satisfied with her because of that. But I’m really someone who is trustworthy and loyal. And I’m not the finicky type of person who feels the need to have sex all the time with different people- or even kiss for that matter. I’m just not that type of a person, I’m loyal. I just feel frustrated sometimes because, it’s been made (very publicly) clear that there are a lot of straight people who do not accept homosexuality or bisexuality. I’m well aware of that and have accepted that. It’s just frustrating that part of the gay community doesn’t accept bisexuality. Especially since I have found myself to want to pursue relationships with girls more often than guys- and I’ve encountered quite a few lesbians who will not consider seriously dating a bisexual. Can anyone relate to all this or have any opinions on this?
Hi there, I met a man on a web site who lives in the uk. He travels every month to see me, sends me flowers and seems very fond of me. We have connected on many levels but the physical side is just not like my marriage. For one he won’t go down on me and I always have to make the first move. Is it common for bisexual men not to like giving oral sex ???
I clicked into his web site one day and he was flying the bisexual flag another time he was straight. Do bisexual men have preferences ??
On challenging him, he said he wasn’t attracted to men. Really confused about this one Help !!!!!
Sarah.
I am bi and I have been married to a woman fo 17 years and going down on her s my favorite thing.Sexually i lean more toward men but emtionally I lean more toward women. The last 6 months or so I just need a man. I went to a coputer dating service and they matched me with a guy that sounds perfect for me. But I caan’t believe i could hurt my wife like this. she knows i am bi and I have always told her men still attract me but I chose her. I wish I could take a vacation from her for a couple of weeks but this guy sounds likekeeper material. I am so confused i’m spinning like a top. Well this is my first post. I’m glad I found you. 10
Sexuality is definitely no black or white and every person is different. I am Bisexual but couldn’t be in a gay relationship because I’m just not attracted enough. I don’t check out other guys but once in a while I do remember what it was like having sex with them. I’m the kind of person that has a deeply sexual and spiritual nature, meaning that it’s about far more than the physical body. I’ve told ex’s about my experiences and every one of them has run to the hills! It became a very hurtful thing to carry as a burden knowing I couldn’t tell the person I loved or they would leave. I can say that being a Bisexual male has to be the hardest sexuality to be a part of in these times. It’s cool to be a straight/gay/bi woman and it’s ok to be a straight/gay man but bi men get the evil looks. I hated myself for almost 10 years because of this and because of the women that left until recently I found a bi woman that is open to listen and compassionate with my position. We don’t believe it’s a good idea to have threesomes or be with the other sex though she did cheat on me once with a woman. The subject came up recently about a threesome with another guy and it’s been a really confusing subject. I think I’ve come done to the conclusion that once in a relationship that I should be monogamous. Thing is she doesn’t have the parts that sometimes seem to be a great deal of importance to me. Ah life. On one hand it’s fantastic being so full of sexuality but like any gift it comes with some costs.
Being able to love someone and be close to someone doesn’t have to correlate with being romantic and sexually attracted/intimate with another individual. I think people confuse the desire to know someone fully and be close to that person as sexual attraction. And a lot more people are experimenting now just because they can… sorry, but they really are!
Is it normal for bisexuals to be attracted both emotionally and physically to the opposite sex, yet for the most part just sexually attracted to the same sex? Does this count as bisexuality or am I just a confused straight man?
For20, Bisexuality isn’t linear, far from, it’s dependant on the person. Factors like personal experience, hormones, society, and genes (to name a few), all have influence on a person’s sexuality. So to generally describe the exact amount of attraction bisexual’s have for either gender is improbable, if not outright impossible.
My sexuality “was” Bisexual for the first stage of my life which, after certain events, changed to asexual (feeling no attraction for any gender or orientation). That was 3 years ago.
Saying bisexuals NEED both genders to be content sexual is absolutely rediculous. When I was with my girlfriend at the time I practiced monogamy strictly. Yes I had sexual desires for men, as a strait man would have had sexual desires for other women, but i didn’t love them; I loved her. But I later found out that the feeling wasn’t mutual. I found out she had been sleeping with another guy.
So you see, loyalty isn’t dependant on the sexuality of the person, it’s simply dependant on the person.
After that ordeal I felt the arrow of cupid once again, but this time for a man. We were quite content for a long time. He was one kinky nympho, with one hell of a personality, who I loved to death. But after being in the relationship for more then 3 years he got caught in an accident and died in the emergency room. The moments we had together were the best of my life but like what Si said “…like any gift it comes with some costs”.
Simply, Me
I’m a straight arabic girl, i have nothing against bi or homo sexuals,but i’ve been in a relationship with an arabic man for 4 years now.
The first year with him was so wonderful, but for the past 3 years now i have’nt been emotionally satisfied by him..i have proof for his love for me but i just always felt that i needed more love and attention and i always feel that as his girlfriend im not getting enough of his attention almost as if someone else is occupying the other half his emotions…he keeps talking about his guy-best friend to me and eversinse they started to hang out 3 years ago i’ve been feeling this way…is it enough proof that he’s bi ? i tried to talk to him about it but he always said that i was the only one..i tried to leave him so many times but he would never let me…im hurt and he won’t understand… i dont know what to do.. Help Plz
I’m really tired of the biphobia, and, after many years of being intimate with homo or hetero people, have decided that the only people I will be in intimate relationships with are other bisexual people, whether they are male or female. Bisexual people understand what it is to be bi. Non-bisexuals just don’t get it. I’m so tired of trying to explain my sexual orientation to straight and gay and lesbian people, let alone those who I am in intimate relationships with. I recently broke it off with a woman I was involved with, because she could just not wrap her head around the idea, and kept wanting me to change. I’m done with this. I just want to be with fellow bisexuals in the bisexual community. It’s really sad to come to this, but, I just want to be close to people who understand and won’t be so judgmental. There is so much ignorance surrounding bisexuality, it’s pathetic.
I am pansexual, the reason i do not say that i am bi is because i do not see gender as binary. I can be attracted to men, women or individuals who are third gender, gender queer, intersex. The fact that i see gender as none binary means that i know that when i am with one person i will not feel the need to sleep with the other gender as to me it is not a case of one or the other. Some women are more masculine then others, some men are more feminine. Every relationship is different. I am drawn to people who have a balance of masculine and feminine with in them anyway, this can be found in anyone no matter what there sex is. I would feel something missing if i was with a hyper feminine or hyper masculine person, that is who i will only be with more balanced people.
im bisexual, and i happen to like both boys and girls equally. also, i think anyone can be bi. i dont fear it, i accept all my bi friends and i seem to accept myself, as well. honestly, im not really hiding it either i just dont broadcast it to the whole world. if someone asks me what i am, i simply reply, “im bisexual.” the only time i dont is if it is a person who i dont want to find out. also, i really dont think its a problem for anyone and it shouldnt be because as long as you love a person in this world, boy or girl, then it is ok…that is just my opinion