Intimacy Without Anal
Wednesday May 14, 2008
Hi Mona,
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for a year now. During our time away I contracted HIV. My partner is still negative. Issues come and go, but a major problem for us has been sex both prior to and after my diagnosis. I am less interested in sexual intercourse than he is and this leads him to believe that I am not happy with him. The thing is that I have never been "WOW-ed" by sex with anyone. I can pretty much take it or leave it. I try to indulge him as much as I can, but there is never enough... I am personally fine with our sex life because sex doesn't matter to me. I care about companionship and intimacy more than just the act itself. It makes me feel horrible to think that regardless of what I do to please him sexually he is not satisfied. Any thoughts?
-Anal Angst
Dear AA,
Whether we realize it or not, we all carry around a list of inherent lifestyle priorities. I like to call them our “deal breakers.” Our deal breakers are basically the top things we must have (or think we must have) in order to sustain our happiness. The reason I call them deal breakers is because we often make life decisions based upon them. Deal breakers are often based on our values, which can be in the category of love, politics, health, social causes and so forth. These deal breakers are formed throughout our lives under varying circumstances. Some are healthy; others are not, but at any given time they are the most important to us.
When two people come together, they each bring their own set of deal-breakers. We seek others (consciously or subconsciously) that match our deal breakers best. Here enters compatibility or the things we have in common. In order for a relationship to survive long-term, both partners’ deal breaker lists must either match or, in most cases, both partners must be willing to reach common ground by adjusting their lists. This is called compromise. And this, my friend, is what makes love hard... keep reading
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for a year now. During our time away I contracted HIV. My partner is still negative. Issues come and go, but a major problem for us has been sex both prior to and after my diagnosis. I am less interested in sexual intercourse than he is and this leads him to believe that I am not happy with him. The thing is that I have never been "WOW-ed" by sex with anyone. I can pretty much take it or leave it. I try to indulge him as much as I can, but there is never enough... I am personally fine with our sex life because sex doesn't matter to me. I care about companionship and intimacy more than just the act itself. It makes me feel horrible to think that regardless of what I do to please him sexually he is not satisfied. Any thoughts?
-Anal Angst
Dear AA,
Whether we realize it or not, we all carry around a list of inherent lifestyle priorities. I like to call them our “deal breakers.” Our deal breakers are basically the top things we must have (or think we must have) in order to sustain our happiness. The reason I call them deal breakers is because we often make life decisions based upon them. Deal breakers are often based on our values, which can be in the category of love, politics, health, social causes and so forth. These deal breakers are formed throughout our lives under varying circumstances. Some are healthy; others are not, but at any given time they are the most important to us.
When two people come together, they each bring their own set of deal-breakers. We seek others (consciously or subconsciously) that match our deal breakers best. Here enters compatibility or the things we have in common. In order for a relationship to survive long-term, both partners’ deal breaker lists must either match or, in most cases, both partners must be willing to reach common ground by adjusting their lists. This is called compromise. And this, my friend, is what makes love hard... keep reading
Comments
Hello AA:
I really think the issue you and your partner are dealing with should have been addressed before you commited to a relationship. I would not expect two top guys to try to force a relationship, just as I would not expect two bottom guys to force a relationship. Sexual intimacy is very important for most couples. There are plenty of guys who do not engage in anal sex and there is nothing wrong with that, however, I don’t think it is reasonable to get into a relationship with someone who expects to have a full physical, intimate relationship. There is an old saying that “there is someone out there for everyone”, however we not expect to fit a circle into a square. Some people are just sexually incompatable. You both are probably great guys but you are sexual incompatable.
Are you suggesting that guys who do not engage in anal sex do not, and can not, have a “full physical, intimate relationship”?
I know your comment was directed towards the first commenter, but just to be clear there are many ways to be intimate without anal. The voice of those that do not enjoy anal is rarely heard, especially in a culture where many associate being gay with anal sex.
I’ve been with my partner for 28 years. Above all else we are the best of friends. While we still fully enjoy sex with each other, we recognized from the beginning of our relationship that we were not 100% sexually compatible. As long as we are open and honest about our sexual activities with other men, our happiness together as a couple remains strong. Communication, flexibility and forgiveness are key factors to our success. Although sex is important, it is not the only thing a lasting relationship should be based upon. Placing limits on your partner’s happiness will surely threaten any relationship. Establish boundaries (which will continue to change over time) and discuss any issues each has. Just my two cents based on my years of experience. Can’t expect it to work for everyone but at 29 years together this October, we must be doing something right!