A Mom's First Thanksgiving With Her Son And His Partner
Wednesday November 26, 2008
"My son is 21 years old. He came out on his 21st birthday just this past June. He has been living with his partner for about a year and a half. Until June we only knew of his partner as a roommate. After lots of conversation, lots of tears, I have accepted my son's sexuality and told him he and his partner will always be welcome in our home.
So, now it's the holidays. I'm cooking my first ever Thanksgiving dinner. I'm 47 years old so I guess it's time I become the grown-up and do the entertaining. We will have myself and husband, my two sons their dates, my two younger daughters. It's not the planning and cooking that's at issue. It's my youngest child.
My baby just turned 12 last week. She is just at the age where she is beginning to understand sex and sexuality. It hadn't been too long since we talked about sex and love and marriage when she learned her brother was gay.
For those of you who have good relationships with family, what helps most in breaking through uncomfortable barriers with family members? Is a holiday as good a time as any to have a first (after coming out) family gathering? Any words of advice for a 12 year old girl? And my big burning question, would I be out of line to ask my son and his partner not to show public affection in front of his younger sister?
Please, someone tell me I'm doing this right. I love my son more than life itself. I want him and his partner to feel welcome here. But I also am still responsible for my daughters' well being and I don't want to make her angry and confused. Boy, we thought parenting small children was tough. Those years were a breeze compared to parenting adults." Join this discussion
Image © Valerie Macon/Getty Images.
So, now it's the holidays. I'm cooking my first ever Thanksgiving dinner. I'm 47 years old so I guess it's time I become the grown-up and do the entertaining. We will have myself and husband, my two sons their dates, my two younger daughters. It's not the planning and cooking that's at issue. It's my youngest child.
My baby just turned 12 last week. She is just at the age where she is beginning to understand sex and sexuality. It hadn't been too long since we talked about sex and love and marriage when she learned her brother was gay.
For those of you who have good relationships with family, what helps most in breaking through uncomfortable barriers with family members? Is a holiday as good a time as any to have a first (after coming out) family gathering? Any words of advice for a 12 year old girl? And my big burning question, would I be out of line to ask my son and his partner not to show public affection in front of his younger sister?
Please, someone tell me I'm doing this right. I love my son more than life itself. I want him and his partner to feel welcome here. But I also am still responsible for my daughters' well being and I don't want to make her angry and confused. Boy, we thought parenting small children was tough. Those years were a breeze compared to parenting adults." Join this discussion
Image © Valerie Macon/Getty Images.
Comments
You said your 12 yr old knows her brother is gay. So any kind of PDA that you would consider acceptable from your straight children and their spouses should be considerd acceptable from your gay son. To do otherwise would be unfair to your son.
I think you should be commended for welcoming your son and his partner. Having said that, I think your concern for your 12 year old is unfounded. These days, grade schoolers know what being gay is. If your daughter is aware that her brother is gay, she should also be permitted to adjust to the fact that he has a boyfriend. Your reservations about public displays of affection I suspect have more to do with your comfort level as well as that of your other family members. I would suspect that your son will instinctively be discreet without having to be cautioned by you. However, if he and his parter do something that the family isn’t comfortable with, just talk to him and private and in a loving an caring way, let him know that this is all new to you and the family and to please be considerate. Having a gay family member who also has a partner is a wonderful learning opportunity that might go a long way towards dispelling any misconception you and your loved ones have about gays. Good luck!
Your acceptance of your son and his partner is commendable. However I would suggest that you get thee to a PFLAG support meeting as soon as possible (Parents Family & Friends of Lesbians And Gays). You can find the nearest chapter at www.pflag.org
You had me thinking you were world’s greatest gay mom until I read your comment about public affection. What’s driven the deepest wedge between myself and my family has been the differences in how my love live get’s treated vs. my brothers. They’re married with children and neither approve of the idea of gay marriage.
In my opinion you want your daughter being exposed to different kinds of love as early as possible. Who knows, she may be lesbian herself and what rules you set up now will be remembered in the worst possible light for the rest of your child’s life. First impressions matter, let her see her brother in a loving relationship and expressing that love. She’ll have two other straight couples as well, and let me say, you’ll score major points with the whole family as well as setting a precident for how the rest of the family treat’s your son’s love life.
My parent’s only request was that I not “rub their faces in it” which has haunted me to this day and my brother’s attitude and political affiliation against gay marriage will likely mean I’ll never be able to be completely open with my family about my love life.
So just ask yourself the hard questions like “if it were me what would I want and expect”, “How will he feel in 10 years about what I say today”, and always remember no matter how much you think you’re going through, he’s going through it ten to a hundred times more…
Let him have his loves and for goodness sake, treat him like everything he does is normal, because honey… it is… it really is.
In 10 years you and he will be happier because you did.
I can sorta understand you. I think you just want you daughter to be unconfused without surpressing your sons feelings. I think what you should ask him, is just keep it pg13. As for your daughter let her ask questions. Learn on her own. Im staying with my boyfriends family for thanksgiving. He has two brother and sisters. One of each older and younger. And the older ones are trying to understand never meeting anyone accustom to our “lifestyle” and the younger one have asked a few questions nothing bad. His 14 yr old brother asked if his brother and I had sex, my boyfriend simple answered yes, and that was it. His brother was answered, no problem, and his younger sister who is 7 didnt think twice about it. I think you need your daughter to understand Im not trying to stop who you are, but sexuality isnt choosen by other people, make choices, learn, and question, but dont factor things out. Hoped this helped
I think it’s okay to have concerns about your gay son’s PDA only if you have concerns about your other children’s PDA. You sound kind of hypocritical if you allow your other children to display open affection in the home but not your gay son. Think about how that will make him feel. My mother let my brother’s girlfriend spend the night even before they were engaged, but I wasn’t even able to sit in the same chair with my boyfriend, now I don’t go back home unless I have to. You don’t want that.
I agree with almost everything in the previous posts, and would like to emphasize the importance of realizing that your son is normal.
Your responsibility to your daughter is to make her feel that all healthy love is good. I think that if you asked your son and his partner not to display the same affection his siblings do, you could be fostering an unhealthy attitude toward gay love to your daughter. Try to push aside your own discomfort, and just allow your son to be himself.
Congratulations on cooking your first Thanksgiving dinner, and congratulations on being so supportive of your son.
I agree with what everyone has said about PDAs. I would like to say something about the holidays being a stressful time for every family. There is usually a lot of baggage that goes with these holidays. Usually it’s not a good idea for people to come out on the holidays or at big family gatherings. There’s just too much going on. However, since your son is already out, that really isn’t the issue.
If your son and his partner are visiting from out of town, will they be welcome to both stay at your house? And if so, will they be allowed to share a room? What about your other son and his partner? If your straight son and his partner are allowed to share a room, the rule should be equally applied. However, if your family is uncomfortable with this even for a straight couple, then you should make it clear to your gay son that this would be the case no matter who he brought home. It will reaffirm your support for his relationship and show that you value his partner as much as your other son’s partner.