The Death of Dating?
Tuesday December 16, 2008
Should hopeless romantics start planning a worldwide vigil for the loss of dating? According to New York Times Op-Ed columnist Charles M. Blow in The Demise of Dating, "The paradigm has shifted. Dating is dated. Hooking up is here to stay."Blow cites a report released by Washington-based Child Trends stating that there are more high school seniors that opt for the hookup instead of the date. But, prudes rejoice, Blow also points out that the high school high crowd is also having less sex overall. And when they do hook up, it's usually with a friend. (Gay boys: Commence to chuckle. We all know that many of our friends are ones that we hooked up with at some point or another.)
But, do these findings really point to the demise of dating and the relationship? According to Blow, "Everything is the opposite of what I remember. Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date."
Well, I hate to break it to you Charles, but us gays embraced what you call the "new model" a long time ago. Not to say that we are sex-flinging party monsters, but the hookup and the date can be mutually exclusive if we choose them to be. If not, thankfully in the void of the heterosexual first-comes-love-then-comes-sex models, us gays are more apt to see a hook up as a means to an end. For some gays, the hookup is an all important litmus test for a more lasting relationship.
Of course, there is no one-size-fits-all model for gay relationships, but we are free of the often prescribed heterosexual order of things. Often, us guys view hookups as a precursor to better things down the road. We meet someone cool, we go out, we test the midnight waters. If the chemistry is there (and mutual), we go out again. And if the sparkler is still fizzing, then who knows: We might be inclined to change our Facebook status from "Single" to the coveted "In a Relationship" or at the very least "It's complicated."
And, if the connection chills, it's not the end all. That's why for many of us our friends are comprised of ex bed buddies. The dude was still cool when we hooked up with him; he just wasn't dating material. Thus, a new friendship is born.
Back to Blow's op-ed: The got-to-be straight columnist then tapped Kathleen Bogle, a professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia, to help clear up these new hetero hookups trends: "It’s the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum," she says. "It used to be that you were trained your whole life to date. Now we’ve lost that ability—the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them."
The only collapse this trend may indicate is the deterioration of antiquated value systems based on a linear models of sexuality. Lopsided gender ratios? Were the teen gays and lesbians excluded from this survey? And, why can't people get to know each other before, during or after sex?
Maybe what the Child Trends study really indicates is a shift in the way our younger generations view sex and their sexuality. Perhaps they are realizing now what us gays have known since we played with our first Barbie: Sex and sexuality spread far beyond the confines of social paradigms and exploring ones sexuality (whatever that may be) is not a one way ticket down black hole of crippling values, but perhaps a new value system which allows people to get to know each other in whatever way they choose.
Is dating dead? Na, there are plenty of guys with plenty of notches that haven't given up on love. And that's not "sad" as Charles Blow says of hookup trends; it's real.
Get More Sex (at About):
About: Sexuality by Cory Silverberg
Get a Date!
About: Dating by Bonny Albo
Gay Relationship Advice:
Ask Mona, Get Answers.
Image © Sardinelly.
Comments
Interesting. I don’t think this is the case for lesbians, though. The old stereotype of the lesbian 2nd date (where you rent the U-Haul) still carries a lot of weight in the lesbian community. But I think the ladies are far more interested in the romance than the fellas are.
I agree that gays embraced the “new model” some time ago, but is that a good thing? Why is it still easier to get laid than to form a lasting relationship? Why do so many men who want something more permanent have such a hard time finding it? Could it be because nobody wants to stick around and get to know anybody after they’ve gotten the sex out of the way?
I agree with your point Bernie, but I’m not entirely convinced that guys would be any more eager to build relationships even if we fully embraced the “date first” model.
Hook up or dating aside, there has always been a gay aversion to relationships, but I do see this trend changing based on the communication I get on About: Gay Life. The interesting thing, however, is our younger gays seem to be more relationship friendly.
This whole issue of love versus sex is very complex when it comes to us. I totally believe in the whole “Men are from Mars” concept. Now put two men together and you have the clutter f* of gay dating we have today.
A quarter of the guys don’t know what they want, so take what they can get. Another quarter have such specific needs that they make it statistically impossible to even find someone. The third quarter refuse to believe they deserve more than a quick fix and the remaining quarter of guys do want long term, but are lost on where to find one. The problem is we’re all mixed into one scene of dating madness. Often it takes a hook up or a date to even decipher which guy is which.
The advantages of a heterosexual model (albeit Puritanical), is that both the guy and girl at least have a standard of behavior. They can choose to follow that pattern or not, but it is still an established model.
When we gay boys and girls come out, that model gets erased and we are left with a cluster of possibilities that are often deciphered through experience. Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, which is my point in the post above. Whether someone learns from those experiences is another issue, but at least through them there is the possibility of developing their own relationship models.
Ah, Serena, the great gay/lesbian relationship divide! Why do you think lesbians are more inclined to rent the Uhaul? Also, what trends do you see amongst younger lesbians. Here, if you take a cruise around the forum, you’ll see that the younger gay guys lean more toward stereotypical lesbian behavior.
gaylife said it best, and i think it is sad that LTRs have taken the back burner to hook-ups. it amazes that a lot of guys complain about being lonely and how they long for that special someone yet they dont want to put in the effort into making a relationship work. We also cant ignore the possibility that widespread desease is partly due to hook ups (like open relationships). I think that most of us have decided to settle for the notion that man is the hunter and if he is hungry he must “eat” whatever is in sight.
Hook-ups are much easier than long term relationships. Anyone can get their sexual needs satisfied, but how many can actually make a relationship work..?
Oops, here I am – female, heterosexual AND non-American! And obviously old-fashioned on top of all!
The really surprising part for me in Blow’s article is that those young people are “more likely to hook up with a friend” as opposed to “having sex with strangers”. Hmm… this particular element runs contrary to my own experience. Otherwise, what’s so new about hookups? Don’t tell me that the heterosexual part of America is discovering them NOW!
I DEFINITELY wouldn’t have sex with a stranger. I at least want to discover whether I man RESPECTS me or not before I give him access to my body. Besides, sexual attraction is a complicated thing with me, and depends very much on things like intelligence and personality, which are NOT so obvious at first sight. Yes, I have THAT kind of female brain. Can’t help it.
Hmm… I don’t think any of my heterosexual male friends would even think of hooking up with me (not to mention the gay ones, LOL).
I think I still want my old-fashioned dating.
I think the term “hookup” is used to help a person feel less guilt about seeing more than one person. My friend saw 3 different guys and was going to make a decision on who to actually date.
I say “was” because he didn’t choose any of them and instead found a fourth and made his decision almost instantly.
It seems hooking up has the the same meaning as try before you buy. I have even been guilty of doing it myself. (Guys just seem to show up in twos for me lol)
I think that most of us have decided to settle for the notion that man is the hunter and if he is hungry he must “eat” whatever is in sight.
Cool!