Dear Gay Man,
A few weeks ago I met a really nice guy online. We chatted over text message for about a week before we set up our first date. Our first date was nice: dinner, then back to his place to watch a movie. As we were watching the movie, we did the whole thing of getting close to one another (he put his hand on my leg, I put my hand on top of his, etc.) nothing, special in my opinion, but it was nice. I'm not looking for a guy to randomly hook-up with, and he says that he isn't either. The date ended with a kiss, which was nice; especially since he didn't try anything else, which would have been a turn off for me—so soon. He came across as really sweet.
But, after the date, he became somewhat distant. I know he works hard, and can't text at work, so I'd wait until I knew he was off work before texting him, but then it'd take him for what seemed like forever to reply. Then, he started asking me to send sext messages to him. Of course, I did, against my better judgement. So, then after the sexting, he becomes distant again. He seems to think that sexting is hot. I don't find much pleasure in it, but to each his own. I'd really like to see this guy again, because he's really nice, and so far he doesn't come off as a total jerk. But, the constant requests for sexting just makes me think that he's really not interested in having an actual relationship, and that he's only interested in chatting when he wants new sexting material to look at.
Is this normal? Should I cut my losses? Or is there something I can do to get this man interested in going out on a second date?
Dear Text Addict,
When a guy's phone recognizes more sex-related words than dictionary items, then it's time to move on—that is if a relationship is what you're looking for. Jobs are cracking down on texting time at work, but clearly he's more interested in what you're wearing (or not) than he is in planning a second date.
You can't make him like you, all you can do is be honest about what you want out of this situation. By responding to his sexts, cuddle bug, you're giving him the impression that you're cool with a little text and play.
Being honest and straightforward about your needs may drive him away, but he will flee anyway when he discovers that your priorities don't match. A guy on the up-and-up will take your honesty and openness and share his own in an effort to clear the air before either one of you invests more time.
Speak up to the sextinator. Let him know that you're not into cyber cuddles, you want the real thing. If he's not down with the idea, then you know he's not long term material. And from now on, keep the four letter words out of your texting vocabulary if you want more than a one-cyber stand.
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Im usually right there with you Ramon but on this one I gotta disagree. There just is not enough information present to make a proper judgement about the other guy.
What kind of timeline are we talking about here, is he shy? I know I am personally shy and sometimes find it easier to say in text what I really want to say verbally. Notice ‘Gay Man’ never mentions asking the mystery man out on a second date, just advice on how to make it happen.
Sexting can be hot, everyones different and has their own turn ons and offs. Maybe this guy is seeking a familiar comfort zone where he can actually drop some inhibitions.
My opinion:
This guy has an akward shyness for social situations, seeks intimacy but has a fear of rejection. (ie; he places his hand on your leg but didnt take it any further than that.) This demonstrates a desire to touch or be closer, while remaining non-sexual. You also met him online, so its not like he was cruising you in a bar being blunt and direct about what he wants.
He is merely seeking his own comfort zone, and sadly without alot of online deals like this….your probably not the only one on his contact list.