Gay Men and Substance and Drug Abuse

More on Substance Abuse • Top Drug Support Sites • Part 1: Single Gay Male • Part 2: Life is Glamorous Take the Drug Poll! How frequently do you use drugs?   Need Advice? • Ask Christopher G About Drugs! From Other Guides • Ecstasy Dangers • Drugs and Minorities • Teenage Drug Abuse • Drug Addicted Babies

The road to discovery is sometimes congested and full of pot holes.

To anyone thinking about living a sober life , that may not seem like positive inspiration. To those with more time invested in sobriety than myself, and other friends of Bill, it may sound like I’m beginning to work my fourth step.

Let me explain a little more for you. The recovery programs I’m involved with all revolve around a 12 step program started by Bill W. I have already “worked” by first three steps. I've accepted the fact that I am an addict and can’t manage my addiction, that my higher power can help and that my higher power will help. In short- I can’t,  he can, he will.

It has been a process that has brought me great humility as well as great relief.  It has allowed me to understand that my addiction is a disease that needs treatment and not a flaw in my character. It has allowed me to see how much of my life has been controlled not by what is in my heart and soul, but what is in my rolling machine, glass vial or pipe. It has helped me understand that much like a diabetic who needs daily insulin shots, recovery meetings and working the steps is the daily treatment I require to keep my disease at bay. 

Wow- I’m sick, what a relief. I thought I could control it. Sobriety is far more daring and cutting edge to me than drugs ever were. It’s about as much work as finding drugs- but a hell of a lot cheaper without the nasty side affects.

Ok- I’m sure you get the idea at this point of how I have been spending the last five months. Rather than going to night clubs and sex parties- I've been going to recovery meetings, fellowships meals, sober events, church, and for the first time in years- I’ve seen every movie nominated for an academy award. I even made it through the holiday season without picking up- because I used the tools I now have to fight the urges. I used the phone numbers of the friends that I’ve been making to  talk through my urges. I’ve discussed my feelings with my sponsor - as opposed to numbing them with drugs.

Well- I’m here to tell you that the first three steps were a piece of cake compared to Step 4. The step I’m currently working is all about self-realization. It is requiring me to take a personal inventory of  defects, my resentments, my fears and the nature of my sexual relations with others.  OH MY GOD, where do I begin. This is one of those times where I wish I could just give everyone who has ever known me a handout to complete. After all, everything I’ve ever believed about myself has come from others and I’ve generally lived my life for others approval.

It’s funny, I've spent the past five months trying to live in today, one day at a time, and not in the future, Now, I have to take a hard, close-up look at my past.  Every negative thought I have denied, every pain I have buried, every scar that I thought healed is being relived in my head- or should I say remembered clearly. 

Yes, I realize I must focus in on these things to understand how my behavior came into play with every thing that has ever happened in my life- my personal accountability, my true feelings. I understand that looking back will give me an understanding of what makes me ....Me. I know that the process of deconstruction will give me the insight I need to deal with life instead of hide from it. I know that this roller coaster I’m on will eventually come to an end and I’ll breath a deep sigh of relief.

As I go through this process, I find myself FEELING things like never before. I seem to be constantly flooded with emotions-  and not all negative. As I look at the negative, I’m making an extra amount of time to look at the positive. As I see the dark- I also look to the light. As I seem farther apart from mankind because of my differences, I embrace closer the many people who have become my friends because of our similarities- our disease and out addiction. As I tear myself apart- I remember to put myself back together, new and improved with appreciation and love.

Yes, the road to discovery may often be congested and full of pot holes, but the destination makes the journey that much more of an adventure.

Contact Christopher with any questions you may have about the dangers of substance and drugs abuse and the road to discovery.