My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and the passion is gone. We have sex/fool around a few times a week, but not only do I want more, it seems like a chore for him. We used to do it at least once a day when we first met. There are a few issues with this:
- I'd like to feel like he is attracted to me, and so it would be nice if he initiated the act sometimes.
- Sex is awkward usually. I won't lie, I tend to ejaculate prematurely, so I don't think he likes it when I top even though I want to do it more then bottom.
What do I do to figure out where his mind is, and how can I get things back on track? We're both 26, this shouldn't be happening yet! -K
Hi K:
There are a few things going on here. First, lets address:
Sex Frequency
According to sexuality expert Cory Silverberg, the majority of men and women who are living together have sex 8 to 12 times per month. You do the math. So, your "few times a week" is already well above average. The issue here is not the amount of sex you're getting; it's that you've equated his desire for you with the number of times you have sex, which is probably far from the truth.
Sex in committed relationships settle. It's a normal process, not to mention each of us has different sex drives. I'm not suggesting you settle for less than you desire, but your expectations for sex are quite selfish. Just because your sex has waned doesn't mean he's less into you and you have to realize that that's not in his head, it's in yours.
Sexual Compatibility
Your insecurities are on overdrive when it should be your desire that's peaking. After a year, you two still have not taken the time to figure out what works. If he's looking at porn instead of looking at you, something's missing and it has nothing to do with premature ejaculation. Part of building a healthy sexual relationship is exploring what works for both you and him, including the number of times you do it. Start from scratch and follow these exercises to learn what turns each other on.
Awkward Sex
I wouldn't worry about your awkward sex, because sex is often awkward and comical. First, tap into your own mind and figure out how much your insecurities are contributing to the situation, which is contributing to the awkwardness. By actively settling these insecurities, you will increase your opportunities for pleasure. Again, keep in mind that it's you that's telling you that he's no longer desires you. In response, you've determined that the passion is gone. He's felt this reaction and the dependence that comes with excessive insecurities and is less inclined to indulge them. It's a vicious cycle that you must break.
Relationships are continual routes, sometimes with pleasant rides and other times with unexpected stops. The time to be pro-active is not when things are good; it's when they settle. Find out what the real issue is in your own head and his and replace expectations with sensible realities that work for you both.
Yours in route,
Mona
