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Is Our Relationship Over?


Dear Ramon:

I met my partner in 1993. We were both 22 and closeted. He's never been with a woman, but I have because I felt I had to hide being gay. I tried sleeping with her, but Mr. Willy didn't want to participate, if you know what I mean. So, she made me go to a urologist. My test results came back OK, but then my partner, R, got me to leave her and we moved in together. A year later, R moved out because I had to take in two of my nieces and nephews. R was great and very affectionate after they moved out. But then we stopped sleeping in the same bed unless we are fooling around. At the time I was OK with it.

Now, he won’t sit and watch TV, talk, or eat dinner with me. He just comes home and goes straight to his bed room to watch TV or play his X-Box till dinner is made. At the time I thought about coming out, but R said no. Eventually, I did and came out running! I also lost 20 pounds. Now R's pissed at me.

We want two different things: I want love, affection, passion, and romance. He just wants to stay in the closet. Is it safe to say this relationship is over? Am I wanting something that is never going to happen?


Dear Heartbroken:

There are many types of men out there, but the ones I hear from most are of two kinds: those that take everything they can, just because they can and those that give everything they've got, just because they don't think they deserve any better.

I don't think I need to tell you which category you're comfortable in. I suspect by your message that you've already figured this one out. What's complicated the situation is what happens when we've decided to break free of our seemingly set categories and start being the people we really want to be.

This is not always a conscious move. Some are able to make affirmations for change and watch as the events start to unfold. Others, like you, reach their limits unconsciously and begin doing new things that are at odds with old habits and current loved ones.

You've let others control your life for some time now. You've been an eager receptacle for other peoples' wants and needs and have convinced yourself that you are being noble or doing the right thing by letting them use you. If I don't do this, you're probably used to asking yourself, then what are they going to do? Typically when this question surfaces in the mind, you've already decided that the you part of the situation takes a back seat to them. How often have you asked yourself how these situations will effect you, despite their desperation?

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Other people will always have drama and things that they need from you. Up until now, you've been a welcome receptacle for whatever problems they have. They know this and will use it to their advantage.

Like R, they have no interest in supporting you through your change, which is why you weren't congratulated heavily for losing weight and getting healthier, nor were you greeted with open arms after coming out. You're gaining confidence and the more confidence you gain, the less they will be able to take advantage of your insecurity.

Often you'll hear people talk about how they had to find new friends, new relationships, and better environments after making major life changes. For you, the people in your life, including R, are like the old sweaters you wore when you were 20 pounds heavier: They no longer fit!

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From the tone of your message, coming out and losing weight have been very happy moments for you. Positive moments that are shedding light on the negativity that you've surrounded yourself with. You've seen the light and it's good.

Is your relationship over? That all depends on what you're willing to give, not to them but yourself. You did great things for you, for your own comfort, and you felt good about it. Soon after you realized what you truly want in a relationship, in friends, family, etc. It was hard, but far less effort than you've put into trying to make other people happy.

So, again, is your partnership done for? I think the relationship with yourself is just beginning. I also think it's in R's best interest for you to stay unhappy and the same. You're at a cross road that leads anywhere you want it to. You've seen the path toward R. He's told you loud and clear that he's not changing. Are you ready to see what's ahead?

Yours moving out,

P.S. I want to recommend a few resources that may help you in your journey:

Transforming Victim Consciousness
Are You In A Codependent Relationship?

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