It's Not You, It's Me

Ramon,

My boyfriend just recently ended our relationship. We had been together for two months, and our emotions in the relationship were starting to get more intense. Both of us admit that we had an amazing time when we were together. In fact, when he broke up with me he told me it wasn't me, it was him.

You see, my ex is a bi guy, who is not out to his family. At least not before I came along. During our relationship his sister and sister-in-law found out about us and encouraged him to tell the rest of the family. His family is conservative and religious, so it could be a difficult task. I, however, felt that he should come out when he was most comfortable to.

Upon the break up, he told me he still wanted to talk to me everyday and that he cared for me. He asked me to wait for him to figure things out in his life. However, its been almost a week and we haven't communicated. On top of that, he is on a gay dating website talking to guys everyday since the breakup. He told me about this website during our relationship and said he used it to communicate with and meet new friends.

I really liked him and felt that we made a good couple. Everything seemed fine until he broke up with me and communication started to fail. I just want to talk to him for closure and give him support. But, I'm not sure if I can wait for him without knowing what's going on. Should I just move on and find someone else, or wait for him to come around?

Hurt and Confused

Dear HC,

I, too, just recently went through a break up. And, like you, there has been very little closure—at least from his end. I understand your hurt and confusion very well. I've experienced every single emotion you can imagine, from sadness in a group full of happy friends to tears in the most inconvenient of places.

The oddest place I lost it was in my cycling class at the gym. I started to think about my ex and my lost relationship. The next thing you know in the middle of one of my favorite songs (which the cycling instructor just happened to be playing), I started to cry. The room was dark and crowded. The sweat dripping off my body hid my tears. I kept cycling, harder and faster. The more energy I gave, the more I sweat. The more my muscles kicked back at me the more I gasped for air. And then the instructor said it—the words that are still helping me get through this breakup:

"I know you're tired," she said over the mic to the entire class. "This is a High Intensity Interval Training, which means you're going to be out of breath and gasping for air." At this point my head was down because I was embarrassed to show the emotion on my face.

"This workout is designed to push you beyond where you thought possible," she went on as she cranked up the music . "This is what changes your body, folks. This is why you're here."

I lifted my head as soon as she spoke those words. At that moment, I realized that I had the potential to not just change my body, as she was referring to, but everything else in my life. That is, I could change it if I chose to push myself beyond what I perceived as my limits. I'm not just referring to my physical body on a stationary bike. I thought about how my break up took my breath away and how hard it was to continue on without any sort of closure. And then I thought, life is hard. It's sometimes dark and loud and messy. But, it's up to me to push forward until I'm out of breath. It's in that moment that I become mentally and emotionally stronger.

Look HC, I tell you this story because you too have an opportunity here. It hurts badly when guys we really feel for give us the "it's not me, it's you" excuse. He gets to walk away and play, while you're left in the pastures.

Our natural response to his "it's me" excuse is that he's spitting out a big helping of beef patties, but your ex could be telling the truth. He may not be ready for the type of emotion you were willing to give and thus ran off in fear. That's not you, that's him. He may have found someone else and is too immature to either be faithful or tell you the truth. That's not you, that's him. Or, he may be trying to reconcile his sexuality after recently coming out to his family. You being there is a constant reminder that he should be taking himself and his feelings seriously. He may not be ready to do that. Again, that's not you.

There are a number of reason why he may have broken up with you. The fact is, despite your longing for closure, you may never know the culprit. It is possible that you may never hear from him again. That's his selfishness, not your deficiency.

This type of loss hurts and can forever sting. But, this is your opportunity to get on that bike and keep peddling as hard and as fast as you can until you can develop your own sense of closure and get back your own sense of value. Ultimately, that's what's going to bring you peace, not his lame excuses.

He made his choice, which is about him. Take this time to shift your energy towards you. Don't wait. Turn down the lights, crank up the music, get on that bike, get intense and push yourself through this tough time. If you do, once the sting of your breakup fades, I promise you'll like the person you have become.

Yours still peddling,
Ramon