I need help. My boyfriend and I have been together over 4 years. The problem is that I have an issue with the internet and porn. He has found where I have been on the internet and I have tried to lie my way out of it. I love this man more than life itself and don’t know where to turn anymore. I go along for a while not getting on sites and then I don’t know if it is lack of self esteem or what that draws me back to it. I don’t want to loose this man and I want to do anything I can to fix this problem. How can I build the trust back?
Dear Trekkie Monster,
Sing with me:
"The internet is really really great... for porn!
I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait... for porn!
There's always some new site... for porn!
I browse all day and night... for porn!
The internet is for porn... The internet is for porn!"
Sorry, I got caught up in the hilarious soundtrack from the Broadway crackup Avenue Q. But, in all seriousness, there are a few things I'm not understanding here. First, why the need to hide your porn sites? Has your man taken issue with the fact that you are on a porn site or is it that you're spending too much time looking at porn, when you should be creating your own flick with him?
I also sense a little shame in your proclamation that you try and go a while without logging on. You're living in your own version of Lord of the Trekkies. Your porn sites (we'll call them "precious") keep drawing you in and preventing you from enjoying intimacy with your boyfriend. And your need for precious is so strong that you find yourself lying to the one man that means the most to you.
Look, obviously part of your story is missing here, but the one thing we know for sure is that you love this guy. Do you have an addiction? Are there others issues being manifested through "precious"? I can't know for sure with such limited information. But no matter what the culprit, it sounds like the issue is about to destroy your 4 year partnership. Help for you isn't as simple as throwing the ring in the fire, thus preventing yourself from looking at porn. You need an intervention–a professional one that can help you get to the core of your burning desire to engulf yourself in porn.
Find yourself a gay-affirmative therapist. Many of them deal with issues of porn/sex addiction and most also do couples counseling. Drastic times call for drastic measures and sometimes we can't do it alone. Let someone help you save your marriage.
Yours logging off,