Bisexual And Ready To Come Out

Ron: I'm on this island by myself trying to figure out what to do.  My question to you is:  Will I be accepted in my black community as a bisexual male? 

Ramon: It's no secret, there are challenges when it comes to sexuality and the African-American community and the stigma that has been attached to bisexual men has only exacerbated the issue. However, you are not the sole resident of a distant island of identity outside of a collective. Many gay and bisexual African-American men find solace after coming out. There are a multitude of thriving, healthy and actualized African-American gay men, despite any negativity that exists. Being bisexual does not change who you are as a black man. Try not to fall down the rabbit hole of acceptance. Not everyone will accept you, within or outside of the African-American community. What's important is that you continue to accept yourself and seek out those that are welcoming.

Ron: I have been told that I am the only one with so much turmoil and emotional instability attached to this issue and that when I come out no one will really care.  Is this true? 

Ramon: I'm not sure who told you that, but I wouldn't trust him with your stock portfolio. Most of us (gay or bisexual) at some point have experienced a whirlwind of emotional pain surrounding our sexual identity. Those we love do care in a variety of ways. Some embrace us, others create distance themselves. Our lives are not just our story. Who we are and the decisions we make have an affect on those around us. So, no. It's not true. Majority of us spend our lives either living up to or creating ideals of what our present and futures will be. These expectations are usually heterosexual models: the wife, the two kids, the picket fence and all of that jazz. When we come out, all of the structures that we've been building for so long begin to unravel. We are faced with recreating our presents and our futures, which can still include a spouse, kids and a fence, but may not be with the same family members or friends. Do some closeted men experience little turmoil after coming out? Sure, but coming out isn't a one experience fits all scenario.

Ron: Will I devastate those around me who have this perfect image of what a strong and powerful black man role model is in today's world?

Ramon: We are culturally saturated by perceptions and expectations of what a man is, especially a black man. But, as we have experienced many times over, unwavering perceptions lead to stoic generalizations, which birth external expectations and feelings of inadequacy. Our paradigms of an "real" man must shift from one that can merely break bricks with his bare forehead to one that is strong enough mentally, physically and emotionally to manage life's fluidity, then deal with themselves and the resulting responsibilities. Sure, you will devastate some around you. Most likely you would devastate those people if you did anything beyond what they wanted you to do. But, by your actions and dissent, you will also give strength to others that are dealing with the same issues.

Ron: My emotions have been denied long enough and I feel that I must be honest with myself, my family, wife, kids and community.  Am I being too drastic in my measures? Or, should I open my closet door a bit slower?

Ramon: No, you're not being drastic, you're finally being yourself. Having a wife and kids complicates your situation. Like I said, it's not just your story. You've built a unit and now that dynamic of that structure must change. Honesty, as soon as possible, is the best way to go. It is possible that your wife and kids will take the news well, but in my experience, announcement such as yours may cause much pain. Remember what I discussed about the life model you built? Well, your wife and kids have their own as well that, without their control, has shifted. Should this deter you from coming out to them? Not at all. Just don't be that guy in the heterosexual situation that sides with his fear and comfort rather than openness and honesty. You've empowered yourself to do what's right for you, now empower your family to do the same.

Ron: I am aware that when the truth comes out, I will have to give everyone time and space to process and adapt to their new image of who I really am.  I want to make this bridge of awareness as smooth as possible for everyone.

Ramon: Time does heal, but it takes work on your part and theirs. Start with your announcement. Seek support for yourself (there are many gay and bisexual men in the Gay Life forum that have had similar experiences). Sign up. It's free and anonymous. Next, suggest support for your family through counseling. There are straight spouse networks and organizations specifically for kids with LGBT parents. Lastly, build awareness. Many will perceive your situation differently than what it is. Educate them as you all begin to rebuild.