I bring my boyfriend to family reunions and often have to face my little nieces and nephews asking me about being gay. They are used to thinking that a relationship is only between a man and a woman. I don't want to explain the situation too much in detail because then my aunts and uncles might think I am brain washing them... How can I explain it in a way the children understand, are not offended, and feel satisfied with my answer.
Geo
Dear Geo,
Kids don't require the same calculated coming out process that adults do- simply because children are much smarter and much more receptive than us adults give them credit for. Of course the communication methods needed for children differ from adults, but the level of "delicacy" most adults say children need is directly proportional to the adults jittery feelings, not theirs.
Kids minds are extremely receptive and incredibly perceptive. They know if mommy really loves daddy (or if she's only pretending to "for the kids' sake"). They also know that "Uncle" Larry is more than your basketball buddy. To a child, the world (and all its possibility) is endless. Our fairy tale arteries get clogged as we age and perceive all setbacks, negative influences and random occurrences as predictions of the future.
You don't have to formally disclose your same gender loving feelings with children because the will inevitably ask you in the language they understand, as you've already noticed. So on to your question... How do you respond? Answer them with honestly, openness, and tact in their same language. Just as a heterosexual couple wouldn't go into intimate details discussing their relationships around children, neither should you. The only difference (which you've also observed) is that the little ones know about man-woman couples and not so much about same gender ones. But do not fret. Their curiosity and expandable minds will put the pieces together without judgement (at least before their parents interfere).
I'm reminded of a time my then 7 year old niece traveled with my entire family to Thanksgiving dinner to my home. My mom described her roadside conversation with my niece as the family discussed who would stay in the hotel and who with us:
Niece: Grandma, where are you going to sleep?
Grandma: With Uncle Ramon.
Niece: Where?
Grandma: In the guest bedroom.
Niece: Where is T. (my then boyfriend) going to sleep?
Grandma: With Uncle Ramon in his bedroom.
Niece: Oh. [end conversation]
I never had to come out to my niece. She immediately understood that T. and I were a couple.
I also remember a conversation between a young mother and child about a transgender man. I couldn't help but overhear their conversation as I walked slowly behind. The mother and daughter paced hand-in-hand as the little girl dragged a stick over the sidewalk cracks. She asked, "Well, why does he have a wig on?" The mom patiently replied, "Because he wants to." The little girl continued her inquiry, obviously not satisfied, "But he's a man." The mom stayed in step, "Yes, but he feels like a woman." Of course transgender culture is way more complicated than the mother's explanation, but the child's simple "oh" in response meant she understood (or at least grasped the concept).
Consider these key points before coming out to kids:
- It's never too early to start talking about same-gender-loving with children. Those that think being gay is only about the bedroom will disagree, but we already know that's not the case.
- Lead the conversation, but let them ask the questions. Be honest and open as I was with my niece and the walker was with her daughter, but help them understand where gay people fit into the image of relationships that have already been planted. Talk in their language. Though simple, they will understand your point.
- Respect the parents. Most of our prejudices, judgements and perceptions about the world are rooted early in our upbringing. It's ideal that all parents would expand the minds of their children and let them create their own moral fabric as they develop. However, in situations where homosexuality is not a household favorite topic, discuss your intentions with the parent. Don't insist that you come out to them, just inform them that if they ask you will tell.
- Explain Your Relationship. Discussing your feeling for Uncle Larry is a given. Afterward, discuss your relationship with your family. I'd leave out the part about the family feud and focus on love- how you will continue to love them and how important it was for them to meet other people you love.
- Avoid inappropriate language. Using the word "gay" is not a bad idea (they'll hear it in the news anyway). However, avoid language that you wouldn't normally use with children. Also, leave the details of sex and intimacy on the backburner until you're sure the facts of life have been discussed.
