I've known I was gay since I was 6-years-old, but since I live in an extremely homophobic town, I've pretended to be a homophobe myself for the last 10 years. I've recently come out to my father, my mother, and my best friends.
I am desperate to be in a relationship and I feel alone most of the time. I know no gay men, and I don't know where to meet or how to meet gay men. I have to stand my classmates homophobic comments every single day and I'm afraid of them finding out because of their hatred towards gay people.
I'm also very insecure, because I have had a very harsh childhood in which I began to eat out of control. I gained a lot of with and I'm afraid that if I meet another gay man he will not find me sexually attractive. I've wanted to be in a relationship since I was a child. I need to know what to do.
Dear 451:
Montag, the protagonist in Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451, was ready to building things instead of tearing them down, but was surrounded by people who hated what he was growing to love. By coming out as a book lover he risked being ridiculed, isolated and burned alive. The more his past and the world around him conflicted with the person he wanted to be, the more alone he felt and the stronger his urges to break free. He thought, if only he had what he long desired—the ability to understand the books that he previously burned—he'd find freedom. Then a friend reminded him not to "look to be saved in any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were headed for the shore."
You, Montag, are dealing with many issues at one time. Don't make the mistake of thinking that finding one thing—a man—will make your firestorm of worry go away. Lets break down your situation:
- Your small homophobic town: Small towns have a tendency to embrace the expected and glare at anything or anyone outside of the usual. They can be quite homogenous. It can be difficult being gay in a small town. Many are quite homogenous. Make plans to follow others who have felt isolated in their home towns by relocating to places where you can feel comfortable being the person you are. This won't completely solve your problem, but more on that later.
- Your family and friends: Find support from your family and friends. Even if you think they don't or won't understand, try them anyway. Start by expressing how you feel and what effect your sexual identity has on your life. Help them understand that you may need to get away for a while.
- Meeting other gays. There is no stronger man-repellant than a low self-esteem. Worst yet, low self-esteems are selfish. They demand every ounce of attention and prevent any empowering news from lifting your spirits. They are deceptive, too. They convince you that they will go away and stop hurting you if they are fed. But, they don't go away after getting what they want. They follow you from place to place and relationship to relationship. They are not indestructible, though. To break free of a low self-esteem, you've got to do as Montag did and realize that the most comforting embrace come from you—a cliche that can be expressed a million ways, but will always rings true. You're waiting for someone else to carry you away when you need to save yourself. Once you start, you'll begin attracting other guys.
