Coming Out in China

Dear Ramon:  
You can call me Xing. I'm writing to you from Shenzhen, China. Maybe you would feel strange when receiving a letter from a Chinese gay, but I really like your blogs and your thoughts on the gay issue. I believe you've helped lots of troubled gay friends. Thanks for your hard work!  

In China, the situation is not so open as that of the U.S. I was born in 1980. Guys of my generation have a more traditional parents. China has changed a lot, but most people, especially our parent's generation, cannot accept that their sons or daughters are gay or les. It's a very humiliated thing for the whole family, and also cannot be accepted in most companies or firms. If we come out, we have to take great pressure from all aspects.  

My bf and I are living together now. Our city is far from our hometown. I'm telling a big lie to my family, my colleagues and my friends. I married a lesbian girl at the end of last Chinese new year. We've spent a lot to make all of it seems like the real thing. I don't know how long we can act like this, but I worry the divorce would make my parents sad and humiliate the whole family. What shall I do?

We don't have such helpful website and experienced expert like you in China, so I write to you, and looking forward to hearing from you soon.  

Regards,
Xing

Xing:
Thank you for the warm greeting from China. Your email doesn't ring strange at all. We have readers from all over the world, many facing similar issues. I've always found it fascinating that despite our differences and vast distances apart, we share common human feelings and many of the same concerns. Which brings me to what you're writing about: generations.

Generations are tricky and ironic no matter which continent you call home. They reflect what's going on in the present; reject at least some form of the past; and, at the same time, nurture previous ideas that slug away at progress.

Moving On

As eager as new generations are to be independent and create their own identities, they often look back to previous generations for what's sometimes guidance, but more often permission. Don't get me wrong, much of what I'm talking about, which is us peaking back over our shoulders for the "what should I do's" of life, is about respecting where we came from and those that brought us here. Unfortunately, this is often in direct conflict with what we need to do to develop our own individual happiness.

Taboos

For as old as homosexuality is (think the beginning of man), our understanding of same-gender-loving relationships is very new. This is true in Asia, Europe, Africa and any other continent in the world. Many cultures view homosexuality as weakness, a threat or something to be shammed. And we're not the only ones. Pick a culture, find a taboo. Whether that be interracial dating, financially disparate relationships, mixed class coupling, homosexual relationships and so on, there will always be individuals who are in situations that drive them to break with custom taht lean heavily on tradition.

Breaking The Cycle

At some point, however, the cycle must be broken. And that begins with you and your wife being honest with yourselves and eventually your families. It won't be easy. Rarely is coming out a simple process, but it must be done. Not for the sake of your family, but for you. We all reach a point when we realize that we've sacrificed our own happiness for the comfort of others. It sounds like you're already there. Now, what are you going to do about it?

Sacrifice

Some guys can never break the cycle, for a number of reasons. As you know, family dynamics are complicated and hard to navigate, but you do have a choice: Keep things the way that they are or change them to what fits you best. Understand, however, that either choice—staying in the closet or coming out—comes with sacrifice. Some choose the option that will have the least amount of impact. I opt for the one that will bring the greatest potential for personal happiness.

Pro-active Coming Out

I always advocate pro-active coming out. What I mean by that is planning your coming out before situations reach boiling points that force you to come out. Planning the process gives you more control, while waiting to be outed or until you just can't take it anymore breeds reaction. Of course, we don't all have the luxury of coming out when we want to. Sometimes life just happens. But you can be as prepared as possible. You're in no way obligated to come out to everyone or all at the same time. Start slow and with those that will be most supportive and build from there.

Begin The Process

To begin the process, I suggest joining the Gay Life forum. Many men—some married, others in difficult family situations—have been able to talk through their coming out processes. For some, the process takes months; others a little longer. They all, however, find solace in knowing that they are not alone and eventually find the courage to pursue their happiness despite being in difficult situations. Don't be shy; say hello. The guys are amazingly supportive.

Eventually, future generations will be able to look back on your courage and break the cycle of shame that surrounds homosexuality in Chinese culture. As you can tell, this is already beginning to happen.

Your friend across the globe,
Ramon