Coming Out To Your Mom (In Anger)?

Ramon,

First of all, I just found your website and it's very informative. I was thinking how lucky I am to live in a time when I can get this kind of info so easily. THANK YOU!

To my question, I was reading your articles about coming out and you touched on the fact that you should not come out in anger or to hurt someone. I totally agree with this fact but it made me think about coming out to my mother. There is a lot "stuff" I have bottled up about my mom. When I think about coming out to her I always kind of think it's more like me getting back at her. I know it's not right for me to do it with that state of mind. I really want to come out to her at this point in my life, but I think it will always be about getting back at her. Do you have any advice about how to change my state of mind, or should I just accept the fact that there is stuff between us and come out to her in the best way I can?

Thanks for any advice you offer on my question and all the other advice you put out also.

C

Thanks, C, for your warm comments and for visiting Gay Life! I'm very pleased to hear you found the information useful.

In my Ways You Shouldn't Come Out article I do advise people not to come out in anger or as a method of revenge or payback. The reason why is because coming out in anger often distracts from what should be the primary focus—your own internal happiness and the transition into a life where we are truly free to express ourselves. Within this freedom comes the ability and strength to heal past wounds and all of residual pain and anguish from the homophobia we grew up with for so long.

I know coming out to your mom may seem like the ultimate payback (especially if she's homophobic), but realize that your announcement will not heal the "stuff" you've been carrying for some time now. Coming out is about you, not her. Of course, your relationship with her is affected, but try not to use those past wounds as a distraction from the real issue—which is your freedom and independence from her and this situation.

That "stuff" between you will always exist, until you decide to deal with it. You are in complete control of that decision, as you are with the decision to come out to her. If she's caused you pain in the past, don't continue to give her power over your emotions by stirring up more anger. Come out for you and only you! If you use your coming out as just one more strike in a mother-son war, you'll only be repeating the same patterns of your already tarnished relationship. Break free.

Anger plus anger always equal destruction. Just an ounce of unconditional love (for yourself, her or the situation) at least provides a glimmer of hope that you will one day rid yourself of the poison of a lost bond between parent and child and the need to reciprocate the hurt you already feel.

If coming out to you mom will help you heal, then I say go for it, but do it from the purest of heart. Some people call this the "high road," others "turning the other cheek." I call it ultimate freedom—being able to take back full control of your emotions and managing your own pain.

I think back to the famed 1985 film "The Color Purple." The abused Celie (Whoopi Goldberg) is about to be struck, yet again, by Mista or Albert (played by Danny Glover). But this time she stops his strike with a raised hand of her own. Just when us viewers thought she was finally going to retaliate by giving him a good one to the jaw she paused, looked Mista dead in the eye with the most stone of expressions and said, "Everything you've done to me, I've already done to you." The stoic Mista cowered down and Celie stepped around him. She was free. She broke the cycle. There was no need for revenge or resentment. She knew her anger would only birth more pain. Her conscious decision to walk away is what truly began her healing process.

Come out, my friend. Put your hands up and declare your freedom from all this "stuff" between you and your mom. I'm sure you've already gotten her back more times over. It's time for you to move on and heal... and truly be free. The decision lies solely with you.

Yours in Peace and Freedom,
Ramon