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Is It A Connection Or Just Sex?

Does He Want A Relationship or Just Sex?


He said and did all of the right things up until, past all doubt, you thought he might be the one for you. Then you slept together and everything changed. The guy you knew when you were just chatting or texting chilled into a cold shoulder.

This scenario happens often in the dating scene. It's almost a right of passage to being out and open to dating, chipping away at self-esteems everywhere and begging to be rectified with more than confusion as to why he decided to show his true intentions only after you tore down your guard. I've spent countless hours trying to figure out why what I thought was wasn't, only to discover that I'd never know the real reason why things turned out as they did.

A real connection can easily be confused for intimacy. It happens to the best of us, even the most seasoned of daters. But when this happens most guys make the fatal mistake of searching for fault inside themselves instead of realizing that not every guy is "in it to win it," as a friend of mine puts it.

It's not a cold-cold world of players out there trying to get in your pants. Sure there are guys that will say and do anything to get your prize, but there are also men that for one reason or another don't feel the same chemistry after being physical that they did when you were just courting.

The dating world would be a magnificent place if every guy came with his intentions clearly spelled out on his forehead like a food label. An "LTR" on his right cheek would mean he's prime material for love; an "OP" would say that he's open to possibilities; or a "LF" would clearly spell out that he's only looking for fun. But, rarely is life as clear. Instead it's full of coded mystery that few can explain. And the rules of the dating game don't require him to explain why he switched gears. Is he not into you? Did he just want sex? Is he scared by the possibilities?

Sadly, you'll never know and are stuck only with the reality that what you thought was going on didn't end up being. Yet, all is not lost. If you catch yourself now, you can avoid common traps when a guy you dig isn't into you.

Step 1: Instead of figuring out why, focus on what's next. You don't know what happened that changed his mind and he ain't telling. It's not uncommon to spend an excessive amount of time and energy trying to figure out why the connection you had fizzled. The reality is, you may never know no matter how hard you try. Mourn the loss, but don't drown in the mystery that he owns.

Step 2: Protect your heart. Dating can be a cruel game sometimes. Just ask any man who's ever dated. It's almost like a right of passage. Each rejection or faded romance can easily chip away at your self-esteem. Don't let it. If you were paying attention in chemistry class you'd know that not everything mixes together well. Some elements together create beautiful materials, while mixing others can set a lab on fire. People are no different. Few can explain what actually draws us to certain people and why we end up with some and not others. The reality is, there is a match for all of our chemistries. The key is staying in the mix until the right solution can be found.

Step 3: Take time to get to know him. Gramdma always says patience is a virtue. Of course, she had decades to figure that out and her wisdom is muted by the fact that we all must learn from our own experiences, even if they do repeat themselves throughout the ages. Still, grannie was right, it takes time to get to know a person and even still there is no guarantee that a match in the beginning will lead to happy endings. Try and curb the excitement of meeting someone cool and take time to enjoy things as they are, all while staying open to the possibilities that what you build now can lead in any direction, even the one you don't want.
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