I’m 46 and was married for 26 years to a woman. I’ve always known that I was gay but tried to live a straight life. I finally realized that living that way just made me unhappy so I finally came out to my soon to be ex-wife and family. The problem I have is that I’ve lived so long as a straight man that I don’t have a clue on how to find a decent gay man. To top it off—litrally—I'm attracted to tops in their 20’s. How do I approach or attract these guys?
A: Dear New Gay Bottom,
You've starting coming out, but I'd bet the vibe you give off is still one of a man on the creep. You've got to open yourself up and change the way you see yourself—in more ways than one.
You were in a hetero relationship, but you weren't living as a 'straight' man. Sounds strange, I know. What I mean is: you're still the same man in a straight or gay relationship. Let me explain:
We tend to stay trapped in old ways that say gay men are not typical men. So, when we come out we stop seeing our interests and ideals as what defines us and start labeling the things we enjoy as either "straight acting" or "gay." When looking for a gay mate, some of us stop being the guys we were before and slip into caricatures of the labels we give ourselves and assign to others. But when looking for a connection, the strategy is the same whether gaming a guy or a girl. So, use what you know.
You're an older gent looking for a younger top? Well, there are young tops looking for some older... Assume the position and think about strategy. Where is he most likely to be? That's where you should be (see the sports bar analogy below). But don't just hang out there. Find your own interests and hang out in spots with older gay clientele. Chances are that your hungry youngin will come through.
Hetero strategy: Guy likes sports. Guy seeks girl into sports. Guy hangs out at sports bar, joins sport team, or hangs at any other place he thinks a girl into sports (or into guys that like sports) is most likely to be. Guy meets girl casually. Guy uses questions about sports as icebreaker. Connection made? Yes: Date. No: Next girl.
Gay strategy: The same. Guy likes sports. Guy seeks guy into sports. Guy hangs out at sports bar, joins sports team, or hangs at any other place he thinks a guy into sports (or into guys that like sports) is most likely to be. Guy meets guy casually. Guy uses questions about sports as icebreaker. Connection made? Yes: date. No: next guy.
Best in your quest to bottom my friend.
Love as always,