Respect Your Gay Boss' Privacy

Dear Ramon,

I am a heterosexual male who has just started a new job. My supervisor is a gay male with a permanent partner. I want to establish a business level friendship with him and feel that our personal conversations would be more comfortable if my boss knew that I was OK with any type of lifestyle choices. Should I ask him if he is gay? If yes, I’m not even sure how to broach the subject. Or should I just mind my own business and let the subject come up (or not) in the natural order of a developing friendship.

Dear Kiss Up,

First, let me correct a common mistake- being gay isn't a lifestyle choice, and your boss' same gender loving feelings are no exception. So, you say you want to establish a "business level friendship." I interpret that as, "I want to kiss up to my boss, but I'm not sure what to talk about since women and lunchtime visits to the local adult entertainment buffet are out of the picture."

In all seriousness, getting initiated into the traditional good 'ole boys club used to be fairly obvious: Get close to the boss by sharing personal experiences and common interests. One moment you're buying rounds at the bar, the next moment you've landed the big account.

Your gay boss has just thrown a wrench in the system. We aren't used to seeing open glbt people in power positions. Don't ask your supervisor is he's gay. That's just uncouth. If you want to establish a friendship, first establish a rapport as you would anyone else- by just being a friend in addition to a coworker.

Always treat him with respect. Invite him to lunch or happy hour just as you would any other boss. Normally, I'd say that there's no need to have the "gay is ok" conversation, but you don't want him to think you're coming on to him. So just be cool. Talk about your relationships and if he discloses any details of his private life, then tell him how much you respect his relationship (again, steer clear of the word "choice"). If you're afraid of saying the wrong thing, show him that you want to establish a business relationship through your actions. Just be cool and try not to be too obvious. No one, gay or straight, likes a kiss up.

Ramon