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6 Signs Your Husband Is Not Gay

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6 Signs Your Husband Is Not Gay
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Over the years, I've received several questions from wives wondering if their husbands are gay. I can understand why there would be suspicion. In the last fews years, gay has skyrocketed from a hush-hush subject to an everyday topic. Ask any young person or adult and they'll tell you they either have an openly gay family member or friend or know someone that does. Turn on a news show at any given moment and there is a gay topic or public figure on screen. Flip on a good show and there, front and center, is the favorite character, who's also gay in the script or in real life. Gay is everywhere, but sometimes it's difficult to distinguish what's real life what's perception, which has some people running for the panic button. After all, there are a ton of gay figures and conversations going on, but few actual show what gay life is really like. And too often most representations of gay people are characterizations either for entertainment value or to make a political statement.

So, how can you sift through all of the information to get to the gist of your husband's strange behavior? This is the most asked question by straight wives on this site.

Unions are special and you may want to know that what you have is what you think it is. Still, I must warn you that the answer isn't what you might expect nor is it based on what I call the "Jack" stereotype from the show Will & Grace. After all, we are talking about real life and not the fiction that some outlets that seek to answer this question will have you have believe.

So, let's get to it. Is your husband gay? Here's the myth and the reality.
  • He watches porn on the internet. Porn isn't a gay thing; it's a man thing. His new obsession with the red screen can be rooted in many things and is no clear sign that he's struggling with his sexuality. However, if you discover that the porn he's watching is guy-on-guy action, this may pose a red flag. "May, you say?" Yes, may. Sexual curiosity doesn't just go away once we pass puberty. It's not uncommon for a heterosexual-identified man (a straight man) to have same-sex fantasies or curiosities. And like any fantasy, it doesn't mean he's preparing for action.

  • He's in love with the mirror. This might seem odd since we often associate masculinity with the rugged outdoorsman that will take a John Deere challenge any day. But the fact is, more men want to look their best. In 1965, men spent $435 million on beauty products. Last year, American consumers alone spent over $4.8 billion on men's products. His affair with the mirror is more of an indication that he's feeling confident about himself than a sign that he's gay. Need more proof, just go to the free weight section at your local gym during rush hour. Chances are you'll see more straight men than gays gazing at every muscle in the ceiling to floor mirrors. So, the next time your man brings home an expensive face cream for himself, don't wonder if he's gay. Start picking up on other clues that he's caring more about how he presents himself. Quite possibly, this is due to your upgrade.

  • He wears a Nate Berkus bracelet. I was asked once by a suspecting wife if her husband was gay because after he saw Nate Berkus on Oprah he went out and bought the same bracelet and jeans. A sure sign, right? Wrong. Nate may have been one of Oprah's gay favorites and may do wonders with style, but he's not the gay wizard. In other words, Nate's style is Nate's style not a representation of all gays. A good way to think about it is your own personal shopping habits. Do you associate your personal life with all of the products you buy? Sure, sometimes. You buy a product because you admire the person presenting it. But that admiration is in how they carry themselves and represent their products not in their sexuality. Martha Stewart's summer table setting may appeal to you because you resonate with her style. But, I doubt would you rush to the nearest home design store because you connect with her as a straight woman. Give your man the same credit.

  • He's not the bull he used to be in bed. Sex in relationships is tricky. Namely because there's no better indicator that something is wrong than a loll in the bedroom. It's understandable that you wouldn't leave any stone unturned trying to figure out what's happening with your guy, especially when he used to be eager and now he's sleepy under the sheets. Does this mean men are his new thing? No. Stress, fatigue, drinking, medication are all factors that contribute to low sex drive. Some experts even cite spousal anger as a major contributor. There may be more to your man's lack of lust that's hidden on the surface.

  • He has new sex habits. If your husband's gone from cornbread to kink, chances are his new sex habits aren't new at all. He's always had these fantasies, but never felt comfortable enough to ask for them-until now. Contrary to first reactions, this is a good sign for a relationship. Sex is about comfort. As Mark Epstein, MD, author of Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life suggests, "the paradox of sex is that you have to totally become yourself. But it also strips your 'self' away." Epstein goes on to remind us that "safety is a big factor" in sex. If your husband is introducing new things, more than likely it means he's built a higher level of comfort with you, which translates to sexual safety.

  • He's a little effeminate. I love using the old TV show Will & Grace as examples of cultural thoughts about gay people. One thing that always stands out is the first person most people say when I ask who the main gay character is on the show. Most people say "Jack" even though he was the supporting character and "Will" was the main gay lead. So, why would we remember Jack and not Will? That's because Jack's demeanor is how most people envision gay men to be. Gay is most often associated with a lack of masculinity, weakness, or something "not straight" acting or looking. To the contrary, we almost dismiss Will as gay because he's masculine and has most of the characteristics one would associate with "straight." But, I don't have to tell you ladies that a strong looking man doesn't mean he's strong at all.

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