Dear Ramon,
I'm a 16 yr old gay male from Ontario. These past months have been a nightmare. Being gay is extremely hard for me because I have no one to help me through it. I've lost most of my guy friends to drugs and my girlfriends are all I have left. My dad is extremely homophobic and I'm scared he would never speak to me again if he ever found out. My mom would probably accept me, but act strange. I'm not sure how my girls would react to it either. My city has no gay clubs for me to go to to meet people like me. I cant hide myself anymore, it's killing me. I don't know what to do, or who to go to. I'm also a very shy person, so meeting new people is somewhat of a challenge for me. What can I do to help myself?
Dear Young & Restless,
It is no easy task to come out of the closet. There's really no quick & easy answer. I do think it's important to be true to yourself and really think about where you stand on your sexuality. Since you are young, your feelings could still be developing (i.e. you may be bisexual). Once you feel secure about your sexuality, I suggest you come out first to someone you can confide in. You may want to start with your mother, if you are willing to risk that she is likely to tell your father. The reason I suggest starting with your family, is that you probably wouldn't want them to find out from someone else & they may have already clued into your sexuality anyway.
You may prefer to start with a close friend, which is understandable if you suspect your father would not react well. If you do open up to a friend, choose that friend carefully. You may want to test the waters by chatting with your friends about sexuality & see how they react to a reference to the gay community. You'll be surprised at how many of your friends are open to the gay community. Once you get a feel of who will be accepting of you no matter what and who you can confide in, you can start with that friend.
Your sexual orientation is not everybody's business. Remember that you can always take small steps in revealing your sexuality. This also holds true for meeting people. I don't suggest that you rush into an affair, but your hormones may dictate otherwise (as all of ours do at some point). Don't worry...you have plenty of time to meet Mr. Right, Mr. Maybe, Mr. Tonight, Mr. One month, etc......Developing a comfortable attitude about your sexuality takes time (often years). I suggest that you focus on your goals and develop a sense of who you are and what kind of people you'd like to attract. You will find in time that things will fall into place.
As far as meeting other gay people like yourself, I would not suggest starting at the bar. Try visiting your local gay community center. It may seem awkward at first, but usually the staff is very helpful and they can direct you to a local group of people near your age that have similar experiences. They also sponsor coming out and support groups. You may also want to visit a local gay bookstore. Search out the message board for gay community activities such as sports leagues or social clubs.
Finally, try and develop an online support system. This is great for those that are not near bookstores or community centers. Visit the Gay Life forum. Many gay teens find solace there. The key to coming out in a homophobic family is to surround yourself with positive and encouraging influences that can eventually grow into a surrogate gay family.
Your gay friend,
Ramon
