When Your Boyfriend Loses His Job

My Man Was The Alpha Male Before He Was Downsized

Hello Mona Lisa,  

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 18 years.  About two years ago, we were both downsized and while he was able to find work within 6 months, at about half his other salary,  I was not as fortunate.   

So, we decided that it would be best if I returned to school and become a nurse; one thing I have always wanted to do. I also work full time at a pharmacy at night. He's always been a spendthrift and prior to losing our jobs, we were very comfortable and there was never a problem with having enough money.  He has always been the "ruler of the roost" so to speak and has always made the majority of decisions about nearly everything.   

Well, he began to get increasingly hostile and derisive in his comments about me, my school work, my lack of income and one day even said that I was a terrific financial strain on him and his family.  Things have gone steadily downhill in the past 6 months because we didn't have enough money to buy presents for Christmas, he doesn't have the money to go on lavish vacations and buy his friends expensive presents and constantly reminds me that it's "my fault" and that I am making him look bad.  He gets angry and doesn't talk for weeks...literally not talk to me for weeks.   

He is moody, inconsistent, lachrymose, bullying, controlling, hostile and sometimes downright cruel. He has been sleeping with other men because as he states. I don't know what to do.  The thought of leaving puts me in a complete tailspin.  I can't understand what's wrong with him. Tell me Mona, am I losing my mind?  Have I gone off the deep end?   

Shane

Shane:  

Alpha males want their mates to continually improve themselves and be better people; but they have no intentions of you actually becoming the breadwinner or the more successful one. Your alpha is used to being the winner. So much so that he's attached his sense of worth onto what he could provide for you and his friends. This economy, however, has humbled many a grand stands. Some are taking it well; others are thrown off base. Larry King recently asked Chris Rock how he was doing financially. Chris replied that he was doing fine, but if Larry had his type of money he'd probably jump out of a window. Different people respond in different ways in economic downturns (depending on where they live on the economic totem pole). People tend to get comfortable in their current economic categories and (under the radar) others find comfort in making sure people stay in their economic places.  

The issue isn't you all of a sudden becoming a burden or financial strain. (In his eyes, he's always supported you). The problem now is that you threaten his alpha status by going back to school and staying employed. In my experience, that is far more dangerous than losing a buck. Before, you were the one forever dependent and now what your man sees is the future. And in that near future you will have more income and a stable career than he can't pull right now.  

Because he's attached his sense of worth to his financial contributions, if he can't support you (which he loves to do) then he's probably thinking you won't see the point in being with him. So, basically all of the yelling and insults and his being completely unreasonable is his way of trying to get rid of you before you do what he thinks you are going to do anyway: Get rid of him. Silly, right? That's why they say men are from Mars! He'll keep pushing you until you give in and leave him, which is probably why he's out frolicking with other men.  

The problem with alphas is that they rarely see their own weaknesses. Use that to your advantage. Eventually, you're going to become the breadwinner, but he wants to keep the pecking order. Do what every mate since the beginning of time has done to his/her king-of-the-castle man: Convince him he's in control when he's really not.  

Reiterate how much you need him now and how much you will need him after your boards. Show him bigger houses and luxuries that you dream he will buy for you one day when he gets back on his feet. Let him believe that even with your nursing degree, you need him to manage the cash because he's just so good at it. Show him cheap ways he can look cool in front of his friends without spending a lot of cash. He's got time on his hands, ask him to pick you up from school. Vent about how you don't think you can make it and let him bring you to your senses. Massage his ego. Encourage him. He's strong and all strong men bounce back... You've heard your mom tell your dad this stuff a million times. Just go into your memory banks and recite the lines. The key is to convince him that he's in control while maintaining your own sense of self-worth. Figure out creative ways to let him take care of you, just be careful not to let him abuse you either. At the end of it all, it's you with the options.  

Yours getting his ego stroked,
Mona