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The Relationship Sparks Are Gone

My Boyfriend Doesn't Want To Have Sex Anymore

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Dear Mona,

I have been with my boyfriend for coming up on four years. About two months ago he told me that he loves me but feels our relationship has lost its spark. He is still loving and affectionate with me and we kiss and cuddle as normal. However, he hardly ever feels like sex although I know he is watching a lot of porn. Obviously, I feel pretty rejected, but I still really love him and wonder how we can go about getting things back to the way they were before.

Discouraged David


DD,

No one just ups and says they're over your touch after four years. So, he's either been falling out of interest for some time now or he's been hooked on porn from the beginning and simply can't suppress it anymore. Your man's choice of porn over your prize may signal an issue much deeper than bedroom sparks, which means that the resolution may not be as simple as lighting a few candles and melting down the chocolate.

Of course you feel rejected. I would too if my man was choosing to watch other people's action rather than create his own with me. To get the romance back, you need to figure out what the problem really is. Forget about planning a romantic night with chocolate fondue and smooth jams on the radio. Covering up your ailing sex life with a little sweetness is not the answer. A moldy strawberry may look enticing once dipped in chocolate, but underneath it's still rotten.

You need a old fashioned sit down. Shut the windows, lock the doors, disconnect the wireless and let him know after four years of giving up your goodies you deserve more than a declaration of disinterest and a high pay-per-minute porn bill. What about you has he lost interest in? How exactly does he define a "spark"? And if the spark is gone, why has he chosen not to try and get it back? These are all questions that you should ask him and he should answer before either of you leave the room. Don't fall for the "I just don'ts" and the "Just because's". Relationships take work, constant work. Sometimes relationship sparks can ignite a So Cal wild fire; other times the flicker can't even start a lawn mower. The trick is figuring out ways to make it work for the sake of your love. Four years is too long of a time to just give up, so don't let him off so easy.

Let him know that you are willing to sweeten his deal if he's willing to meet you half way. If he's addicted to porn, then you will need to get a professional involved. He may not be interested in you because you can't simulate what Big Rock and PJ Porn can do on the screen. If I were to guess, I'd say your man's new definition of "sparks" are professional porn positions. This may be a form of sex addiction for which he needs pro help. Talk to him about it and don't let him get away with adolescent temper tantrums. It's going to take work on both your parts to get the romance back.

Yours with a sweet tooth,
Mona

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