My Boyfriend's Out Partying While I'm Traveling On Business

Gay Dating Advice

Dear Mona,

I live part time in New York and part time in Seattle. My partner and I have a home in Seattle and when I am in NY, I roommate with a female friend of mine. Whenever I'm at home in Seattle, I feel like all my partner and I ever do is stay in and watch TV on the couch. He wants to cuddle, etc. But when I leave town, he is everywhere... doing activities, going to movies, having happy hour with friends, going to cook-outs.

He has told me that he has issues being "alone" at home but we have two loving pets that I wish would get more attention from him. I can't help but feel like he saves all the fun time with friends when I am gone and wants to do nothing with boring me. How can I shake this feeling? I am sad enough being here alone without any real friends and family. I don't want to feel like I've been left out of all the fun back home.

   -Lonely in NY

Dear LiN,

You're looking at your cuddle time all wrong here, LiN, and you're being quite selfish. It sounds like you want your boo to stay at home with the pups while you're away and save up all of his party time for you upon your return. Remember, you're not the only one lonely in love. He's probably off partying and cooking-out to take his mind off of the fact that his man is never home. And my dating intuition tells me that he's always been a socialite, even before you started traveling for work. But, we know from your question that the issue isn't him having fun; it's him having fun without you.

Look at it this way: He doesn't want "fun" time with you; he wants real quality time. You're his man. A cuddle on the couch may seem like a snore because all you're doing while you're away in New York is watching the tube, but to him he's reconnecting and recharging his batteries with his boo. He can go to a million parties to distract his mind, but what he really connects with is his time in your arms at home. You listen, you understand, you love him. No happy hour can replace that!

Look, I understand. It's not easy being with a man that runs the streets all day sans you. And I know what you're thinking: While he's bouncing between BBQ's, he'll eventually meet a guy more fun than you are. I'm not saying that infidelity is not possible, but take comfort in knowing that if he's going to stray from the nest, it's going to happen whether you're a party animal or not. So, don't let your insecurities get the best of you. You want to keep your wild boy happy? Then let him play and be free. He, just like that outside cat, hasn't forgotten where he lays his head. But, of course, his ways aside, you need some fun time, too. So, how about a compromise?

Turn your alone time into fun time. Don't just spoon on the couch, make it an actual date–candles, wine, music and all. Don't ask him to go to a movie with you. Buy the tickets. Make the dinner reservations. Plan the date. Let him know how you're feeling, but be conscious that it's you that's away all the time, not him. That's not your fault, either. In this economy, you have to do what you have to do to bring home the coins.

Also, while you're away, don't sit on the thrown keeping tabs on him. Go out and meet some friends and have good times of your own. If you have to be in New York, you might as well hit a happy hour or two. I can think of worse places for you to be posted. But, for the longevity of your relationship, you both need to eventually come to an understanding of how you can maximize your time together and ultimately survive your time apart.

Yours at a cook-out,
Mona