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Gay Dating in a Rural Area and Attracted to Straight Men

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Gay Dating in a Rural Area and Attracted to Straight Men
© Dave Smith

Dear Mona Lisa,

I am a 22-year-old black gay college student and I have never had any form of sexual intercourse with someone of the same sex.

I have been out since I was 18. In a few months I will be turning 23, yet I still have not had the magic, charm, gaydar or whatever it is that will enable me to experience having my first boyfriend.

My school is located in a rural part of northern Connecticut, and I honestly feel that in spite of not being around the black community (which can often be extremely homophobic at times) not even the white guys seem to be that out.

Perhaps, it does not help much that many often tell me that I don't really seem gay. I know for a fact that I am not an ugly person, nor do I perceive myself as being conceited.

Surprisingly enough, like most gay guys, I have tons of female friends. I love my girls and I don't try to act like them, but just appreciate their friendship as a guy. But, it seems that every time I meet a guy that is attractive to me in some way, I desire him, until I force myself to realize that he is genuinely straight.

Mona Lisa, can you please help me out? I am tired of talking to my chicas who also have little experience in this area.

Sincerely,

El Morenito Chulo :)
aka. the dark cutie


Dear Chulito,

Unfortunately, there is no such thing as Hogwarts for Homos. I wish we would be granted a magic wand upon coming out, complete with endless love spell training. To the contrary, the real world grants us gaydar, a mere illusion.

Even if you could cast a spell in your rural void, the lovers are scarce (or so you think). A simplified recommendation would be to move to a more plentiful land. I understand, however, that defection is not always possible.

Making the most of your present situation is a more plausible suggestion. Overcome your fears of aging out of the gay experience. It's easier to find deeper emotional and sexual connections when we relax about the process.

I know your girl-friends are important to you. This can at times work to your disadvantage when you don't fully relate to your environment. You may tend to latch onto them instead of exploring your surroundings. Ditch your best Judy's? Of course not. Include them in your survey of an unknown land. You might discover an interest you never thought possible.

You're good looking and obviously educated. I'm sure there are plenty of gay boys in your area waiting in salivation for your approach; you just have to find them. Dig deep and play a more active role in your love life. Forget what sport coaches preach: Offense, not defense, wins the dating game.

You say there aren't many gay boys in the area, but the language of your letter leads me to believe that your attractions lean more toward the straight boy or at least the straight acting. You know as well as I do that going after the straight boys is almost always a losing match.

If you can't quell your attractions, take a break from hanging out with your straight guy friends. Relax, open and expand your ideals of gay dating and friendships. Let in possibilities (with actual gay boys) you never imagined. Finally, recruit your girls to help you be more forward in your approach and expansive with your attractions. Once you open you will experience.

Your Chulita Morena,
Mona
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