Overcome the Fear of Rejection

Dear Mona Lisa,

I think I have become too dependent on the internet as a means to meet guys. Somehow going online eases the fear of rejection that is very real when faced with true life interaction with other gay guys. I'm aware of where this fear of rejection comes from, and I do find it socially crippling at times. I know I'm an attractive guy, but I just can't seem to get over this fear of rejection. Any advice?

Fondly,
Fearing Face-to-Face

Dear Face Mask,

My friends and colleagues have a hard time believing I was once the kid who stood alone waiting desperately for the lunch bell to ring. I was terrified to talk to others. Now, I'm described as a person who will talk to anyone about anything. Our circumstances may be different, but the process to overcome the fear of rejection is the same.

Whenever there is a pattern in my life that I want to correct, the first thing I do is try and identify the pattern. You've already done that by noticing you're a stud online, but a wimp in person.

Reversing the cycle takes practice... Hard core practice. Start slowly by reducing your time online. You probably have several screen names on several sites. Start by deleting one profile at a time. You don't have to go cold turkey, but the net can become an addiction that takes weaning.

Replace the time previously spent online out meeting people in person. Start at small comfortable venues during happy hour. The crowds are smaller and less intimidating. Make a pact that you will strike up a conversation with at least one person each time you go out. Don't chat with the intention of hooking up, focus on making friends or just being social.

To break the ice, I try and start conversations by finding something unique about that individual. Eavesdrop on his drink order then ask about his choice. Then talk about your favorites. Or, comment on a guy's shirt then find a common thread between your tastes. This will be terribly uncomfortable at first, but re-wiring our brains to reverse old destructive patterns always are. Over time, your social comfort will develop and soon you will be able to meet guys online and in person.

Your Socialite,
Mona