Regain Your Confidence By Trusting In The Silence

How do you regain your confidence after a few unexpected turns? Was your confidence ever lost in the first place?

Dear Mona:

I'm 30-years-old. I moved to California 5 years ago from NY.  I originally came to CA to attend law school, but after 1.5 years and 80k in loans I failed out and had to go back into the job market.  Six months ago, the company I'd working for since law school went under and I have yet to find a new job. During this forced down-time I've been trying to figure out where I'm going in life and how best to get there. 

I feel like I no longer have a strong sense of self.  I lost myself somewhere during my move from NY to CA.  I pulled over for gas and my confidence was dropped off along with the fast food wrappers.  I never had too much trouble finding friends or dates in NY.  In spite of my past performance, I haven't been able to find a consistent guy to date or a strong grouping of people that I would consider friends. 

With no current employment and no true 'base' (friend/family structure) I am left to figure out my life.  What I believe I need is my mojo.  The culture of LA is very different than NYC with many guys staying huddled in the groups they came with.

How do you regain your confidence in dating and life when you don't know how you lost it?  And how do you go about it in unfamiliar territory? -Lost Angel

Dear LA:

It's not LA. LA has always been LA. It's not even your mojo. That too is the same as it's always been. Your mojo is dormant right now–resting, like you should be. You're in a moment of transition. Some would call this process an identity crisis, but I prefer the less negative "self-discovery." The pressures you're experiencing are nudging you in a new direction. And you'll find yourself just where you need to be once you let go of the past (what's happened has happened) and truly accept your current space.

You thought you knew what you wanted (LA, law school), but that's not who you are. It's understandable that you're a little anxious about the next phase of your life, but don't see your past decisions as failures. The repercussions of the choices we make are sometimes necessary to enable (or force) us to slow down and evaluate what we really want out of life. Welcome to your 30s!

Also, personal strength is like energy. It may seem to lay dormant, but it's always moving and it never dissipates. Stop worrying about the strength you've collected over the last three decades. It's still there, waiting for the particles in your life to settle. Clear your mind, rest, and take this time to figure out where you want to be. Let the boys of LA be the boys of LA. Also, give them a break. There's no room for a guy in your life right now anyway; so, while you're there, try and see the joy in your Los Angeles life instead of focusing on what's lacking.

You're not lost, my gay. You're overcome by the noise surrounding you. Something tells me you'd be in the same place even if you were in NY. Plug up that overactive mind of yours. Forgive yourself, forgive LA, and find some silence. It's in there that your confidence will resurface. And when you're ready–and you'll know when–that confidence will lead you to where you really want to be.

Yours lost and found,
Mona