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Relationships Before Sex

Gay Teens Who Want Relationships Before Sex

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Teen boy holding laptop computer in classroom © Ron Levine/Getty
Mona,

I am a 14-year-old freshman. I just came out in October of last year.  

I started talking to this guy a few months ago. In the back of my mind I knew all he wanted was sex, but he was just too cute and charming so we kept talking.

He was my first real passionate kiss, but he waned to go further. I told him if we ever got into a serious relationship I would consider it, but I don't want to have sex unless I'm in love. I don't move on easily. A week later he asked me out (through text) and then dumped me 4 days later (through text). I was crushed!  

Now I feel like I just wont find anyone. It's been a few months but it's still so vivid.  I feel like I'm ready for love and ready for a long lasting relationship. I know as a very young teenager, this sounds just like every other teen, but I really, really think I am ready. And that's why I don't date just anyone.  

Please, please help.


Dear T-Money,

You suffer from an unmistakable anomaly in the universal dating scene: a condition we can standards. There is a mathematical formula that's been proven time and again. (Don't worry, you don't need good grades in Statistics to follow along.)

Here goes: The number of dates a guy afflicted with this condition called high standards gets is directly proportional to the amount of losers he will encounter.

In other words, little lover, you've decided that you want to be in love with a guy before you have sex with him. That's not a fault; it's actually commendable. It says you care about yourself enough to protect your emotions and your body. The problem is the person you've met wanted your after school special and you weren't willing to give it to him. As predicted, he fled. Loser. If he respected you and saw the potential in your boyfriendness, then he would have talked to you about it and understood that it takes more than a text to get access to your hard drive. But you have to admit, young gayhopper, your intuition told you he wasn't the one anyway.

Trust your gut, T. You are very clear about what you are looking for. You owe it to yourself not to waiver.

Now, here's the catch: You're 14! I know, I know... I'm an old dude in your eyes and old people always say that you should take your time because not only will you change (quite rapidly), but your environment will change as you graduate to new schools and experience new things. But, I'm not going to be that old guy and tell you what I suspect you already know deep down.

So, back to finding someone to hold hands and cuddle with...

Dating is always a numbers game. Even though this guy didn't work out for you, you will have more options in the future. And even with those options, not every boy you like will be the right one for you.

Often, what happens is, for fear of being alone, guys like you with standards begin to lower them to avoid what they see as the inevitable gay black hole of perpetual loneliness. This is only a myth though, young man. The right person for you will connect with you on the same physical, mental, and emotional levels as you. You can always decide to what degree your future mate has to match your criteria. Just be careful. The love you're looking for doesn't always come in the package you think he will. Love's tricky that way.

Your hormones are raging and you see every cute guy as a potential mate. I'm sure afterward you then start fantasizing about being with him; going on dates; holding hands; introducing him to your friends, whom of course fall in love with him, and so on.

As a hopeful romantic, your imagination and strong urge for love can take you on a ride. You have to reign in those fantasies a little bit for your own protection. Not all guys are in it to win it (as you've just seen). But, if you stay true to your standards and your ideals about love, eventually–maybe soon, maybe later–a guy will come along that is just as keen on long term as you are. You'll know he's the right one by how he responds to your feelings about love and sex. A guy that doesn't respect you now, won't respect you later.

But trust me: When your guy does come along, every word he speaks, every touch he makes, every kiss to your lips will make up for each and every moment of loneliness you've experienced. Keep being you and keep your ideals and eventually you'll find a match. It will take some time, but as with anything worth waiting for... Well, you know the cliche.

Yours in the Sisterhood of Hopeful Romantics,
Mona

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