Should You Wait For Him?

He says he likes you, but isn't ready to date. Should you wait for him?

Mona:
I met a guy online who recently moved here to the city. We hit it off really well. He asked me what I was looking for and I said friends, dates, and the possibility of a LTR. He responded that he was not looking to date but also not not looking to date, meaning if something special came along he would go with the flow.

We decided to meet in person and there was instant chemistry, ending with us making out on the first date and planning our second one. On the last date, after more than a few drinks, the topic of relationships came up. He wanted to be more secure in his new place and with his finances before dating someone, but hoped I'd still be around when the dust settled since he really liked me.

Then, one night out with friends I saw him with someone else. I assumed that he was on a date and I felt some jealousy and irritation, even though we never said we were exclusive or even dating. I felt I might have been the one he would make an exception for.

How do I view him as just a friend if we continue to see each other every week and I still have romantic and sexual feelings for him? And, how do I keep myself from getting hurt in case a relationship never comes?
-Confused City Boy

Dear Gay in the City:
Some guys will tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you around as an option when the dust settles. The message this guy spit, however, was clear: He's not ready to date. He may be a player, he may not. Whatever his motives, he was being truthful. In all fairness, you weren't being as forthright. What you want is a man, but what you told him was that you were open to any option, including friendship. You have to know yourself. If you're a guy that falls easily, you can't present yourself as someone that can go with the flow. You'll end up attracting a guy that'll drive you crazy with their mixed messages and slow pace.

Mona knows it's not easy to stop liking a guy or to be firm about your needs when you dig someone. But, love, you have to start empowering yourself. If you think he's worth the wait, then let him dabble but manage your own expectations and harden your emotions. It's going to play out in one of a few ways: He'll either 1) grow closer to you, 2) meet someone he likes better, 3) stay single because he wants to be single, or 4) keep searching for the next best thing. You can't control any of these options.

But, I ask you, what are your options? Who's going to be there when your dust settles? What's your plan? And, are you willing to deviate from this plan to wait for his scenarios to unfold?

You know yourself best and what you can handle. Once you start thinking about your own well-being, you'll think less about his signals and more about what you need to do to get what you want.

Yours city-dwelling,
Mona