Finding A Real Man

Dear Mona,

I am 21 years old and only came out my freshmen year in college.  I've been looking for a boyfriend for about 3 years now.  I'm not the most attractive man, but it seems every time I fall for someone they either ignore me or just want to be friends.  Also, anyone who has ever shown interest in me only does so because they want to get me in bed and I am not looking for that.  Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

-Warner

Warner! Buddy!

You've got to turn this around, my friend! Your self-perception, that is. I'm an optimistic love-centric hopeless fool for love and right now, even I wouldn't date you. If you're so eager to down yourself like that, then it tells me that when you do meet guys you probably exude self-loathing rather than the sexy confidence most guys want.

You need to break from the man hunt for a second and focus on you. You have some major confidence to build, my gay. And in this game of gay dating, confidence and self-worth is everything. The media has played it the wrong way. Not all hot guys are six pack clad Calvin Klein models. You'll be surprised if you truly open your eyes, how many different types of men different gays guys are attracted to. We're dawning on an age where the big gay dating mission has shifted to the more stable relationship as opposed to the generalized quick thrill. And guys are being more open about their tastes. Some like 'em short, others tall. Some die for larger guys and some want to see ribs.

Don't let your perception of hotness destroy the beauty that you do have. You've got to find that attractiveness inside of yourself. It sounds cliche, but it's the essence of self-confidence. And self-confidence attracts men!

Massive numbers of dates and hook ups aren't going to give you the same satisfaction you get knowing that when you step out of the door you are 100% yourself and 100% real. Will you walk the runway in the next New York Fashion Week? Probably not. Me neither. But, you will find that once you abandon the self-doubt and embrace the real you, the guys will come? Yes. They may not come in flocks, but obviously you're looking for quality instead of quantity, anyway.

The one thing I didn't read in your letter was what you are looking for in a guy. I see this all the time in the gay world of romance. Many of us gays are so eager to get a man that we don't even take the time to evaluate what kind of man we want. Like I implied earlier, not all gay men are made the same. Stretch beyond the need to just have someone and jot down what type of guy you really want. Push past the physical, because our soul mates often come in a physical package beyond what we originally imagined. Once you have determined what you want, you have to build your confidence up and trust that the right man for you isn't concerned about you not being the "most attractive" looking man in the room. Good looks may bring you quantity and joy, but it's your soul, my friend, that attracts that heavy eye tearing kind of love.

To help you along with the development of your man list, I'll give you an abbreviated version of mine. I'm a sucker for guys that can challenge me intellectually–lovers of literature, complex thought, and pop culture anarchy. I like my guys in tiny packages, but don't care much for the six pack. Oh, and the quirkier the better. Someone that can push me and is open to being challenged by my thoughts as well. Not your average guy, right?

Instead of just looking for a man, go after what you want. Don't wait for him to come to you or for him to determine the dynamic of your time together. Be clear: "Hey guy, I'm looking for a relationship, not just a hook up." Let them be the ones who wonder if you will call them back. Drop that madness about your looks. Beauty is subjective and if you don't embrace your own man goodness, no one else will.

You have everything it takes to command control of your love life. You just gotta believe!

Yours in confidence,
Mona