1. People & Relationships
You can opt-out at any time. Please refer to our privacy policy for contact information.

Discuss in my forum

Threesome Troubles: No Sex Without a Third

By

Question: Threesome Troubles: No Sex Without a Third
Dear Mona,

About 8 months ago my partner and I began having sexual encounters with other men, with the agreement that we did it together. Then his sexual energy for me started to change. Now, he has no desire to have sex with me alone. However, if there is a third person involved, his sexual drive is strong. He says he's working through some relationship issues. Other than sex, we agree that our relationship is strong. What should I do?
Answer: Dear Third Wheel,

Nothing good comes in threes- tires, shoes or relationships. Threesomes always sound like a good idea when our partnered sex lives dwindle, but few of us actually address the real reason for the sexual lag. Instead we venture off into the bed of a temporary solution and ultimately the catalyst for a break up.

The mere fact that you decided to have an open relationship with terms says that either one or both of you wasn't completely satisfied.

Also, healthy relationships are a complete package- emotionally, spiritually, mentally and sexually. I cringe when I hear gay men make excuses for the deficiencies in their relationships: He never hugs me, but we have so much in common. He yells at me for silly things, but we are really close. He doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, but we get along so well...

Of course, no relationship is perfect and there are always things that couples can work through together, but the first step to solving a relationship issue is recognizing that there is indeed an issue. Then you must openly communicate with each other until a common agreement has been reached. Don't accept vague statements of dissatisfaction. Your relationship cannot continue to grow if one partner refuses to communicate exactly what's bothering him.

Why is it that we gay men so willing to accept a part time relationship, but demand everything else in our lives be complete? How quickly we insist our cable TV or high speed internet services function properly or that our cars come with zero defects, but we willingly accept an incomplete man? Why should we settle for men that want every part of us except intimacy? If you want to salvage your relationship, close the valve on the flood of threesomes. Force him to the table and get to the bottom of his sudden need for outside action. Asking him to air his troubles isn't pressure, it's called communication. If he still refuses to help you help him, you may want to consider taking some time apart. This is a difficult thing to do, especially given the other positive aspects of the relationship, but eventually this issue over your sex live will result in extreme unhappiness and thus a breakup. See the writing on the wall. His need for outside sex with you as a participant will eventually develop into a desire for action without you.

Love should never be confused with happiness. It's gayly human to love things that aren't necessarily good for us. Our goal in partnerships is to develop the most complete loving bond possible. This is an evolutionary process that takes real work and equal happiness, not temporary solutions. Let him know that his behavior concerns you. If he's not sensitive to your needs like he is his own, then it may be time for a little solo action on your part.

Yours in love,
Mona

More love and sex advice...
More Love & Sex Advice
  1. About.com
  2. People & Relationships
  3. Gay Life
  4. Gay Marriage and Relationships
  5. Multiple Partners
  6. Threesome Troubles: No Sex Without a Third

©2014 About.com. All rights reserved.