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My Partner Won't Let Me Bottom During Sex

Gay Bottom

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Dear Mona,

Sexually, I am the bottom in my relationship. My boyfriend refuses to top for me. Even though he is only a year older, he has more sexual experience and has dated many more guys than I have. I feel as if he is not letting me experience new things. I've told him how I feel many of times and nothing has happened. Do you think I need more experience to be happy in this relationship? Should I be more aggressive or should I cheat on him to get what I want?


Dear Unplugged,

Your boyfriend's sexual history shouldn't be a reason to deny yourself pleasure. Experience in the bedroom doesn't always make someone a leading authority on anal versatility. I know of men that can put your boyfriend's scorecard to shame and still get complaints in the sack.

In gay relationships, we have the tendency to create dominant and passive roles. Sometimes, this happens naturally (as it should), but often dominance in the relationship is a result of one person's discomfort, lack of openness (no pun intended) or resistance to change. A true loving relationship is one of shared dominance. One may prefer a role, but is open to switching once in a while.

We gay men have the advantage of being both the plug and the socket, but many of us have created so many rules to the game that we miss out on tons of enjoyment. Some say they can only bottom for a big and burly sexual partner; others claim their partner's penis size dictates their role. Still some have the misperception that the recipient of anal sex is the weaker one. There are many, however, that approach anal sex strictly on the level of comfort and pleasure as it should be evaluated.

There should be no forced entry in a gay relationship. You shouldn't have to change who you are naturally to get what you want. There are reasons you may never discover as to why your guy won't drop 'em for you. If you've exhausted all opportunities and anal sex is a big enough issue to prompt you to look outside the relationship for sex, then maybe it's time to consider your options. Cheating is never the answer, but finding the right relationship is. You have every right to want to flip the script in the bedroom. A true loving partner would understand your needs and at least give it a try (or explain the reasons why they prefer not too).

Instead of spending the energy convincing him to take your lovin', attract the ideal man that is willing to share this part of you. The only catch is, this attraction has to start from within.

Get a piece of paper or journal and draw out your ideal man. List your dream man's qualities. Jot down as many detailed traits as you can. This is your private list so it can be as serious or silly as you want it to be. Then go after this ideal guy. Compare your present guy to this list. Don't focus on their lack, but notice how you've compromised. No person is perfect and the one you ultimately shag may not get a perfect score, but they should get darn close. Keep your list private and use it as your guide to happiness. Only you can determine which qualities you are willing to compromise on and which you are not.

Yours in love,
Mona
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