Hey Mona,
I have a "friend" who isn't looking for a relationship but still wants to see me. I guess you could call it a "friends with benefits" type thing. I want to have a relationship with him, but he says he isn't ready. I can wait but I don't know for how long.
Also, he is seeing someone else and he thinks I don't know about it but I do. I don't know how to confront him about it and it really bothers me. I feel like I'm being used. I'm very confused at this point.
-Confused
Dear Confused,
I used to think that I wanted an instant boyfriend, like so many other gays out there. I was firm in my belief that if some hottie and I truly made a connection, then there was no need to wait. We could just be exclusive boyfriends.
And if they didn't want to hold hands with me after our starry connection, then I would almost always think that I wasn't good enough or that I was just being used or that I was just a rebound or a midnight call.
And then I began taking my dating life into my own hands. The romance in my life was no longer about them wanting me, but about me taking my time to evaluate whether they are truly a good match for me... and in the meantime I am destined to have as much fun as possible.
Over time, I built my self-esteem by forcing myself to take an inventory of my good qualities—traits any good man would be crazy to resist. I made a ritual of this confidence building technique and supplemented it with a ever more detailed list of what I looked for in a man. I soon learned that in order to see if a man fit the bill, I would have to get to know him well beyond a couple of dates (basically, the old-fashioned friends-first formula). I keep my fantasy of a dream boyfriend, but now I want it to be right and on mutual terms.
Nonetheless, I left myself open to the possibilities. I knew that the dream man I concocted on paper and the one in reality might not match up, but I was willing to take my time and explore the possibilities. So, I date and explore. I have the time of my life and I let things develop naturally.
Basically, what I'm telling you here, Confused, is to shift your focus from the title of a boyfriend, build your confidence and enjoy the time you spend with him.
Too often us gay men are so focused on getting the title, that we lose sight of the fact that we may already have a boyfriend in front of us. More than likely if you enjoy each others' company you'll continue to go out. Pretty soon you'll be BFF's, going and doing everything together. You'll text message 10 times a day and call 4 times. You'll laugh at each others' jokes, create private ones, and chuckle at all of the outsiders that don't get it. You'll see movies and love the same scenes. You'll gorge on food you wouldn't otherwise touch. You'll care little about weight because your "friend" likes you for who you are...
And then hopefully as time passes you'll realize that: Sure you don't have the title of boyfriend, but you already basically have one. You just didn't recognize it. After all, you're already getting the benefits without the drama.
When you take your time and date without the pressures of a title, you get to know who the person really is without being blinded by the initial excitement of the mating ritual.
You can't control connections (romantic or otherwise) and I'm assuming you can't read minds, so don't obsess over his every move. He's already told you that he's not ready for a relationship. Take the cue, chill and have a good time. If the time you spend together suits you then stick with it and build a strong friendship that can turn into a relationship. If it tortures you too much inside to not be with him, be willing to walk away. You can't force him to be what he's not, but you can enjoy what you are getting out of your relationship—no matter what the nature. There is no need to confront him about the other guy he's seeing. That scenario will play itself out. Plus, you don't know under what circumstances they hang out, anyway. Trust that if this romance is meant to be, it will. If not, his loss. Until then, hold tight and enjoy your time with him and the benefits you get in return!
Your Friend With Benefits,
Mona
