When He Just Wants to be Friends

Dear Mona,

Lately, I've been running into guys that I ask out on a date, only to have them tell me they "just want to be friends." I just don't get it. Did I miss my opportunity within the first 30 seconds into the date to be 'dating' material? What about all the flirting that lead up to the date? What did all that mean?

Dear Friend of Dorothy,

The other week I cheered on my sister in a slot machine tournament. She's what they call a gambler. I won't debate whether that's a good or bad thing, but I will focus on the positive sides of gambling and explain why gay men are such bad slot players. What does this have to do with dating? Bear with me a second...

Slot players are very strong-willed individuals. They all have their own system and favorite types of machines. It can be debated that they spend too much time sitting in a casino, but can't we also say the same thing about gay men sitting around waiting for the love of their lives. Gamblers spend their hard earned money hoping to strike it big money-wise, gay men deplete their emotional bank accounts, hoping to strike it big love-wise.

The one advantage slot players have over gay men is their sense of self-worth and persistence. Despite the gambling problem horror stories, many slot players set boundaries for themselves. They say, "When this machine takes my 100 credits I'm getting off this stupid thing." They get down to 100 and they move on to another clinker that catches their eye.

The important point here is that the slot player never blames him or herself, they curse the machine for not being good to them. To the contrary, us gay men always look in the mirror when we strike out with a guy. So, as the gambler moves on to machine after machine until they hit big, we gay men sit at the same machine wondering why it took our money and then go over the day, pull by pull, to see what we could have done differently.

Flirting is part of the courtship game. That's why there is no such thing as an instant boyfriend. Each conversation and each date is a personal evaluation to see whether the union is agreeable to both parties. Usually, the gay man that says he wants to be friends knows himself well enough to know what he likes and dislikes. But where many gay men go wrong is they think another person's dislikes are directly proportional to your deficiencies. Just as there is a certain type of man (emotionally or physically) that puts a twinkle in your eye, there is a certain type for another.

Sure things were going well in the beginning, but dating is a complete package deal that may not match up in the end. Dating takes persistence, a high sense of self-worth and the ability to take risks. As my best friend always says, "You have to be in it to win it!" And like any gambler will tell you, "You gotta play big to hit big."

You may never know what turned these guys off, but who cares? If these guys aren't into you, brush your shoulder off and try another machine and another until you hit those triple 7's.

Yours in love,
Mona