I Like Him, He Likes Transgender Girls

Dear Mona,

There is this guy I have been yearning for since I meet him well over a year ago. He is so smart it's insane, and I somehow want to get closer just to learn more about him.

Here is the issue: I have always been one to beat around the bush and not say what I feel for fear of rejection. This time I told him I was into him. And to my surprise, no rejection. In fact, a little flirtation on his part.

I made it a point to hang with him after a function one evening to see where things would go. We left one establishment to go to another, then we got separated. On my way back to the section we were in, I found him making out with a trans girl.

I was shocked, to say the least! He could have put the moves on me all night long, but his choice was her. Mind you he is gay as gay gets... So what gives? I was very up front when I told him of my intentions, and asked him to be honest if I was not his type. So here I am in the lurch, feeling like the ugliest gay man on Earth. Not one person can give me any kind of rational reason as to why this happened.

Upon confrontation, he had no excuse or reason. He played the "I am a mess and no good for you" card. Problem is, I am still infatuated with him and if he gave me the green light I would go for it. Am I a complete idiot? Any and all advice you have will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Messed Up

Dear Smoke Screen,

Be honest, you say. Just tell me, I can take it. You finish with a declaration that your feelings won't be hurt. Then he drops the bomb, the hints, all the clues you need and low and behold (as he probably predicted), you can't take it.

I know what it feels like to be in his shoes. Not long ago my Judy, in one of his many thoughtful moments, gave me a brown metallic candle holder. It suited him perfectly, but it was quite bland for my tastes.

You see, my Judy, not much unlike yourself, had offered me a prize—complete with a non-commitment agreement. Be honest, he said. Just like you did. He asked if I liked it? Just tell me, I can take it, he exclaimed. It won't hurt my feelings if you don't like it.

But I knew as well as he did that deep down he was more sensitive than a cut finger in salt water. He couldn't take it. So, I took it!

What really lay behind his declaration of strength was a need for instant validation. He would only truly feel good if I took the holder. After years of friendship I knew If I had indeed rejected it, he would spend the rest of the day self-defeating would swim in his head. He would even stop trusting his own decorative style.

You, my gay, are my Judy and your crush is me.

You're crush (like I) didn't have the gumption to fess up his differing tastes. This doesn't make him a bad person nor does it make you an ugly person. It means you both are sensitive people.

I commend your willingness to take a chance, but just because you gave him an option doesn't mean he's actually interested in taking it. He wasn't being honest with you and you weren't being honest with yourself. The transgender person he was kissing obviously melts his wax more than you do. It's not a knock on your holder, it's just a matter of taste.

He could probably sense that you would be hurt if he flat out rejected you, so he played along in hopes that you would see his style differences on your own. That way he gets an out without having to stomach your impending disappointment.

Next time, don't give a guy an out when all you really want is an in. Keep taking an aggressive stance towards dating. Guys like other honest and up front guys. Just be aware that a tingle in your heart and a kind gesture by another doesn't always translate into a perfect match.

Yours melting wax,
Mona