Traveling with Baggage in Gay Relationships

Mona, Help!

I know my boyfriend is the one for me, even though my relationship is fairly new. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile and when I am in his arms I feel like my life is complete. The problem is that in his eyes he doesn't see it. He doesn't see how strongly I feel for him and he fears that he is setting himself up for heartbreak. I have tried explaining to him how strongly I feel, but he just doesn't seem to see it. We have both come out of previous relationships with major heartache. He has been left feeling cynical towards relationships, and I fear, he may be looking for problems that he can find early so he can get out.

I have been left with the fear, I think, of really opening up to him. I need help, because I don't know if I could handle loosing him, especially if he feels that I don't love him, when in fact that's all I think about...

-M

Dear M,

We all have relationship baggage, but how much is too much? There's a reason airlines only allow passengers two pieces of luggage: If everyone brought all of their baggage on board, the plane would take a nose dive. The same is true with relationships. Can we continue on a relationship crash course without emptying the excess issues we carry on our backs?

You two may be in a relationship, but neither of you may be ready for a relationship. So many of us are in love with being in love and ignore the practical aspects of compatibility. There is also a tendency to let past experiences get in the way of our present happiness.

You say you want to be with him, but ask yourself if you can be with him. Or better yet, are you ready to be with him? It doesn't matter how much you love him; if you both are surrounded by a storm of fear, your relationship is destined for disaster.

Keep in mind that you can't force him to open up. You also can't look for him or the relationship to dispel your fear of commitment. You each need to work on emptying out your baggage before you can truly come together (at least in a healthy partnership).

The warning signs are there, my friend. Pay close attention. You've tried to talk to him about your sexual relationship and you've gone overboard trying to show your love. Yet, he's not open to the discussion. In the manbook this translates as, "I'm not ready to deal with my issues!"

Whenever I fall into the trap of trying to make a relationship work that can't, I'm reminded that I can be miserable by myself. Set yourself free! Why subject yourself to the back and forth of non-committal and non-emotional play? Set your heart aside and be practical. The thought of losing him hurts because right now losing him means you'll be left with yourself and your own issues to deal with.

Only he can open his emotional valve. You can't force it. You also can't run from your own fears, either. What you can do is be real about the situation and let him know that you need him to recognize your contributions to the partnership. If neither of you is willing to work on setting aside your baggage (or at least working on healing them together) then you both must make a choice... A practical choice: Continue on this lopsided journey and get ready for a long turbulent flight or book solo trips to the island of personal healing and then see if the relationship will work.

Yours on standby,
Mona