I've been seeing a guy for a few months now. He is great to be with and very affectionate, but when the morning arrives we both usually go our separate ways. He does keep in contact with me when we are not together, but our lives are very much separate. I do not spend any "quality" time with him. He says he likes me a lot but does not want to rush things. How do I get him to spend more time with me but without appearing so clingy and emotionally attached?
Romantic At Heart
Hey Sex Buddy,
Sounds like you've got yourself a classic case of the non-committal gay man (we'll call him sex buddy for now). I've suffered through many a situation at the hands of this fairly common being.
This entity must be handled with extreme care. They release emotion at their own pace and no other. Pouring your heart out will only be seen as a sign of commitment which is their biggest fear. Hopeless romantics like yourself who think about the future often fall victim to their charm. The sex buddy has no concept of the past or future; they live in the present.
What does this mean for you? Well, after months of great dates, you may be thinking about the future- getting closer to him; growing your feelings. The sex buddy is thinking how nice it is to hang out with you at the present moment- why mess it up by bringing all that commitment stuff into the picture? Besides, all relationships end anyway, right?
You want to snag a sex buddy, then you have to beat him at his own game. I call this game Reciprocation or in some circles "Hard to Get". It's the most effective for sex buddy's who like to be in control of the emotional board. It's tough for romantics to play because they have to hold back their biggest asset- their emotions. However, the rewards can be great. Ask your sister or a female friend to teach you a few of the techniques (trust me, they've used them many times and now it's time for you to play). He gives a little emotion, you give a little. He pulls back, you pull back. Tell him you're busy one day he wants to meet and gage his reaction. If he's worth any tears, he'll make an effort to try and see you. Keep some distance until you've trained him to give a little more. To these guys your emotional words mean little, but your actions matter. Send him a message that your relationship (or whatever you have) is not one sided. If he wants some, then he has to give some.
Why as gay men do we hesitate to put our partners on the same pedestal emotionally as we do sexually? Sound backwards? Not really! How would you feel if he insisted that during sex you stay on one side of the room behind a screen, while he stays in the opposite corner. No touching allowed. Sure the conversation could be interesting, but the encounter is not very enjoyable. After three months of that you'd most definitely say: "Hey, give it up or I'm outta here!" So why is it acceptable for your partner to sit in his own isolated emotional corner?
You shouldn't be the only one wearing your emotions on your sheets. Try giving him a taste of his own medicine. If that doesn't work, then sit him down and let him know that you need more emotionally. If neither of those work, then you may want to consider finding yourself a guy that's willing to come from behind the screen.
Yours in love,
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