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When Your Boyfriend Doesn't Like Sex

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Young gay man reading book while partner looking at him on sofa
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Hi Mona:

Me and my partner have been together for just under 2 years now and we love each other very much. Due to a strange set of circumstances he moved in with me and my family within the first year of us meeting. However this is not the source of our problem.

We had Sex a lot while we where dating and before he moved in. To some extent we were at it like rabbits. Since he's moved in we have gone from one extreme to the other and now it is rare that we have sex at all.

My Partner Won't Let Me Bottom During Sex

I know what you are going to say about how it's because he feels uncomfortable and not confident enough to do it in somebody else home, but that's not it at all. Basically, Sex for my partner has never been important as the other things in the relationship, like saying 'I love you' every day, asking if I am OK and looking after me. However, for me Sex is just as important as those things, for me it provides an opportunity for you to get close and become one with each other and it truly expresses your love to someone.

We have discussed at great length about sex and how to solve our problems and we seem to hit a brick wall every time. It has now become a problem where the only time we have sex is if I instigate it and then having sex for him becomes a chore that he can tick of a list. It is also uncomfortable because I don't feel the closeness and bond that we should be experience when we have sex.

Dealing With Emotions and Sex

We really love each other very much and want to be together forever, but this issue puts a strain on our relationship and we are not sure how to fix it.

We would really appreciate any advice or guidance you could give us. -C


Dearest C:

You may not have noticed, but I couldn't help picking up on how many times and when you capitalized the word 'Sex'. I left this unedited to show you the interesting switch you made in how you're communicating sex with me and I suspect your partner. I gather you wanted to add emphasis to how important sex is to you. My sense is, however, that this display was not only for me, but for yourself and your partner as well. You're calling sex out with a capital 'S' one because your needs aren't being met, but also because sex has become a 'thing' and 'event' that must end in a predetermined satisfaction that's leaving you wanting more. Your partner on the other hand is being left less than full in other ways. In a sense you're throwing a written tantrum because the tables have turned in your relationship. Your partner has never been a huge fan of sex, but you say you guys used to do it like animals in the wild. This tells me that it's your partner that's been accommodating to your needs. Now that you're headboard shares a wall with your parents, he's found an out and you have to adjust. You're accommodating him.

Dealing With Differences In Sex Drive

Your insistence that staying in your parents' home is not the problem tells me that this has been brewing for some time, steaming like mom's broccoli. So, I have to ask: Have you been Talking about sex with your partner? I use a capital 'T' the emphasize the actual act of talking, which is not listening. I suspect it's you that's been verbalizing your needs without truly listening to his. You're aware that he doesn't like sex as much as the other things, but have you actually listened to why he's abstaining.

There could be a number of reasons why he's engaging with intimacy only verbally. Only by speaking with him (not to him) can you get to the bottom of the feelings he holds about sex. If you're committed to making this work, now's the time to set your libido aside and get to the bottom of this. And not that bottom... focus!

How Often Does The Average Couple Have Sex?

Relationships aren't about filling one person's infinite desires; it's about compromising, understanding, trusting, empathizing and a giving attention to a myriad of other things that this page can't address. Are you willing to button up your skinny's for a while to listen to what your partner is actually telling you? Because, he's heard you loud and clear, which is he's gone from ticking it off the list to ditching you for mom's casserole. This is not his problem or yours alone. This has to be addressed together. There are no standstills in a partnership, and if there are you should break up. I take it you don't want to do that, so stay in the room and cuddle until you figure it out.

This won't be an instant fix, so part of your talking, listening, and planning is to determine out how you both can get satisfaction while actively working on the issue. This isn't the 1950s, so get creative (together). Get to know your partner, not just what's between his legs!

Yours in love,
Mona
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