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Boyfriends and Bathhouses

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Boyfriends and Bathhouses
© Elina J
Dear Mona Lisa,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months and things have been great. The other day, after sex, he suggested that we try having sex in a bathhouse. He likes the idea of others watching. It gives him an extra thrill.

I've never been to a bathhouse, however I perceive it as a place for gay men to have quick anonymous sex with random partners. While I'm not opposed to having others watch, I'm concerned about the temptation that surrounds you in that type of environment.

I communicated this to him and we agreed that we we would only be with each other and that we would not allow others to join. I'm against open relationships and bringing in outside sex partners while in a relationship. He assured me that he is not easily tempted and that he had been to a bathhouse before we were together just to watch, which I believe as he is very candid with me about everything. I asked if he was bored with our sex life and he said he wasn't.

I want to please my boyfriend, but I find it hard not to be anxious about this idea. I'm worried about the potential impact on our relationship and by the implications of the suggestion itself. This is driving me crazy and I could really use some advice.

Anxious in L.A.

Dear Sunset Tan,

Your perception is dead on: Bathhouses are dens of anonymous sex, random partners, quick hookups and the more scary and not-so-anonymous STD. It sounds like your boyfriend is taking you on a clueless ride. You say "he's not easily tempted;" I say show me a man that can keep his cool surrounded by dozens of other naked men doing a whole bunch of naked things and I'll show you a 24-hour bathhouse that actually is just a spa. I'm not buying the statement that he has gone before and just watched; and I have a feeling neither do you.

Don't get me wrong; I'm far from a prude and do encourage couples to keep the spark alive by trying new and adventurous things, but there are so many other possibilities to fulfill your man's fantasies without introducing other people (which you've already said you are uncomfortable with) and opening yourselves up to the possibility of introducing a few incurable bugs.

My worry is also the impact it will have on your relationship. You've obviously thought about the "what ifs" but has he? I say these things because my Scorpio intuition goes wild when I'm told that one person in a couple says or does something out of the blue and completely inconsistent. If he's happy with your sex, then why a bathhouse? How about a video camera; a nice trip to the rooftop; a buff hike in the nearby trees... or just you?

If you were 100 own with the whole scenario, then I'd say go for it, know the risks and be cautious; but the mere fact that you've consulted Mona means that you're not cool with a night out at the 24 sex shack. I'd say, find another way to get an audience. Ultimately, however, you have to consider how far you are willing to sacrifice your comfort for your man's fantasies©especially when we both know it won't simply end at letting others watch.

Yours enlightened, Mona
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