Does He Just Want Sex?

What should you do when you develop feelings for someone you've been having sex with?

For some men, sex and emotions aren't mutually exclusive. And for those that can squeeze the valve of their hearts during moments of pleasure, emotions often leak through over time.

A reader who calls himself Newly Confused has just entered the gay dating scene. He's met a guy—a regular you could say—that has touched his interests beyond physical contact. He wants to tell this guy how he feels, but fears his serenade will sound on plugged ears.

Here's what Newly Confused has to say:

Dear Mona,

I've recently come out and have slowly begun my transition into the gay dating scene. I recently hooked up with a guy and am really attracted to his personality and his life goals. We have been talking for several weeks and yet I cannot help but feel like I am a late night romp call. We have some pretty intimate conversations concerning our goals in life and just life in general. I want to tell him I like him but don't want to risk him backing away. Should I be honest with him and tell him I how feel?

Newly Confused

The uncertainty of what to give into—the strain of the heart or the needs of the body—always comes to pass. So, how do you know when to let your emotions flow free or when to let your body be?

I (et, I mean Mona) responds:

Dear NC,

I'm going to let you in on an ancient man-secret: There is a very short window of time just after sex and pre-nap when a man will share intimate details and life goals. When the sex is really good—in his weakened state—he'll reveal all types of close-kept details.

What does this have to do with your situation? Well, during this window it's easy to misinterpret this share-session as a bonding moment. Now, this doesn't mean he's full of woozy bull or that he doesn't feel a strong connection to you; it just means, post-sex, the average man's comments are made while he's in a fuzzy trance. I think it's a chemical or something that's released just before cuddle time. And what makes this hypnotic state so dangerous is its tendency to wear off once the seas have calmed, which is why some men act one way when they're under the sheets and another during vertical living.

It's too early to tell what he's thinking or how he feels about you, but use this to your advantage. Fish out details during your post-sex windows, but don't press too hard. It'll be difficult, but for now keep your own feelings at bay.

Over time, you'll know through his actions how he really feels about you. Is he being intimate outside of the bedroom? Do your conversations take paths that end without him asking you to romp? Has he introduced you to his friends? A man shows more of how he feels by what he does, not by what he says.

And if you feel like the late night menu, chances are that's where your relationship is now, which is not entirely limping. Let things progress. Don't give him all of you if he's only willing to give half in return. Let him earn your words of affection. You'll know when he values your prize outside of an overnight visit when he starts displaying you like a trophy during the daylight hours. Whether this leads anywhere or not, only time and your circumstances will tell. That's why it's best to set your own limits, hold strong to your own things-I-won't-put-up-with list, and let him earn what you've been giving away for free.

Yours dialing at 3am,
Mona