I Like Intimacy Without Anal

Hi Mona,

My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for a year now. During our time away I contracted HIV. My partner is still negative. Issues come and go, but a major problem for us has been sex both prior to and after my diagnosis. I am less interested in sexual intercourse than he is and this leads him to believe that I am not happy with him. The thing is that I have never been "WOW-ed" by sex with anyone. I can pretty much take it or leave it. I try to indulge him as much as I can, but there is never enough. Our most recent argument over sex happened because I failed to climax. He was the insertive partner and was somewhat rough with me which lead to a total loss of stimulation on my part. I just wanted it to be over! When it was, I was no longer aroused and was ready to move along with my day. He had other ideas and decided to open a conclusion-less discussion about our different attitudes toward sex.

I am personally fine with our sex life because sex doesn't matter to me. I care about companionship and intimacy more than just the act itself. It makes me feel horrible to think that regardless of what I do to please him sexually he is not satisfied. Another point of discussion is that since my diagnosis he has been the insertive partner. I do feel like less of a man when we do have sex, but nonetheless I have adapted to make him comfortable. Even still I have to put up with his bickering over frequency and or whether or not I'm satisfied with our sex. Any thoughts?

-Anal Angst

Dear AA,

Whether we realize it or not, we all carry around a list of inherent lifestyle priorities. I like to call them our “deal breakers.” Our deal breakers are basically the top things we must have (or think we must have) in order to sustain our happiness. The reason I call them deal breakers is because we often make life decisions based upon them. Deal breakers are often based on our values, which can be in the category of love, politics, health, social causes and so forth. These deal breakers are formed throughout our lives under varying circumstances. Some are healthy; others are not, but at any given time they are the most important to us.

When two people come together, they each bring their own set of deal-breakers. We seek others (consciously or subconsciously) that match our deal breakers best. Here enters compatibility or the things we have in common. In order for a relationship to survive long-term, both partners’ deal breaker lists must either match or, in most cases, both partners must be willing to reach common ground by adjusting their lists. This is called compromise. And this, my friend, is what makes love hard.

Not all gay men are into anal sex. Actually, there are more than you might think. Plenty of guys prefer romance and intimacy over penetration. (There are also many other options for contact other than anal.) What bothers me about your situation is that you’ve clearly expressed how you feel towards sex and your partner either refuses to listen or simply does not care. This has nothing to do with your status (there are many successful serodiscordant relationships out there); your partner just refuses to bend on his list. In order for your relationship to survive, he has to be more flexible. You want intimacy, he wants anal. You like it soft, he wants it rough…

I can tell you from experience that sometimes trying to come to an amenable solution is like training a cat. You can talk until your tongue falls out and they will still do what they want to do. Your boyfriend isn’t listening to your needs or the needs of your relationships, only his insecurities. There is only so much you can do unless he is willing to compromise.

Sit him down for a discussion about your needs and his. If he’s still not open, then you might want to consider coming to a conclusion yourself. Like you, there are plenty of furry cuddlers out there waiting for a little reciprocation. It’s up to you, however, to decide where intimacy lies on your list of deal breakers.

P.S. Before I run I want to comment on your feelings about being less of a man as a bottom. Just like sexuality, our sexual roles are often blurred. I know many men that are the most dominant in the relationship, yet like to bottom in the bedroom. And I often hear more passive partners boast about their like of topping. More or less, what I’m trying to say is that neither your position nor your role in a relationship is what makes you a man. Our strength isn’t defendant upon the position of backs. Strength lies in our ability to be responsible, mindful of others, and our willingness to stand up for ourselves and the ones we love. That can happen on the top or the bottom.

Yours in compromise,
Mona