Our Sex Isn't Great. Is My Boyfriend Gay?

Dear Mona:

My boyfriend of four months and I have sex every chance we get. He has no problem getting an erection when we start fooling around, but sometimes he closes his eyes and ejaculates prematurely. I think he really likes me and we always go out on different dates, watch movies, eat at restaurants, etc.

However, he doesn't give me oral as much as I wish he would. He's also really into different fetishes (we haven't done any of them, but he wants to). He is also can be very metro with certain things. Sometimes I am confused if he is gay or not.

Bottom line: Should I be worried that he is gay? If I had not found out today that gay guys can have sex with girls, I would not be freaking out this much... but now I am so worried! -S

Hi S:

We get this question often here at Gay Life, especially in our forum. It's not unusual for us humans to try and make sense of situations that don't seem right. Is he cheating? Has he lost interest? Am I on the fast track to a painful breakup? What's the deal? Why won't he treat me how I'd like to be treated?

It's our nature, or better yet just common, to find justifications for our partners' strange or atypical behavior. But here lays the problem. Some women, and don't worry you're not alone, conclude that the underlying reasons for their boyfriend's screwy behavior is that they're gay. It's a complicated yet easy out, kind of like blaming the robbery on the black man, because--well--he's black and some people assume all black people steal. By sticking with the assumed culprit, it saves us from having to do the real work of finding out what's behind the relationship crime.

Before you worry S., I'm not calling you a homophobe or a racist, I'm simply pointing out that by assuming that your boyfriend might be gay because he doesn't behave how you'd like him to behave continues to perpetuate stereotypes about gay men. But, I'm here to help you out of this trap and into more comfort, so let's cover your worries:

First, a little physiology. As you have discovered on your own, it is possible for a gay man to have intercourse with a women. How? He has a penis and any man with a penis, gay or straight, has the potential for intercourse with a woman and-or man. That said, the biological fact that he has the physical ability to have sex with another man does not mean he is gay. In addition, the fact that you are not completely satisfied with the way he has intercourse with you does not mean he's gay, but more on that later.

I suspect that the real issue here is not that he might want to have intercourse with a man; it's how he's having intercourse with you. No eye contact, not as much oral as you'd like, hesitation to engage in fantasy play, premature ejaculation... I get it.

When things like this happen to us in bed, it's common to assume that there is something wrong with us or that there is something wrong with him. Could it be possible that there is nothing wrong with either of you and that he's simple bad in bed?

I hate to complicate the issue, but this brings us to yet another problem: the way we as humans communicate. Much of what we say is in what we don't say. By this I mean in normal communication with our friends, families, boyfriends and partners we say only a fraction of what we really want to communicate. We look to them to figure out the rest.

Here's a quick test: How are you feeling? More than likely you just answered with one or a couple of words even though it doesn't accurately describe how you're really feeling. So, you'll probably wait for me to ask you another question and another until either you open up fully and spill the beans or I ask enough questions to figure out what's on your mind. People have gotten so good at this game that it's become the standard way of communicating.

What does this have to do with your relationship?

Plainly, you've spent more time guessing why he's failing in bed instead of talking to him about it. You may think you tried by asking him if he was gay. That wasn't communication, that was accusation. Of course he froze. Has he ever asked you if you were a lesbian because you were in the same room with your best friend while she undressed? Of course not because it's ridiculous, right?

Have you thought talking to him about how you feel about his bad-in-bedness or are you just assuming he knows how you feel?

He doesn't do enough oral.
Have you told him how much you like?

He doesn't make eye contact.
Have you called him out on this? If so, did he change?

He has premature ejaculation.
There is a solution. This is a problem for more guys than will admit. Perhaps you two should play "edging" games where you bring him almost to climax and then back off. Once he clams down, you bring him back up again then back off. Repeat this until you both can't stand it anymore. This will help him last longer over time. And if all else fails, try a desensitizing cream.

Bottom line: Don't assume he's gay and freak out because you guys aren't on the same page in bed. That's like assuming your phone is broken because the screen is blank, only to find out that you forgot to charge the battery.

Sure, your man could be gay. If he is, more than likely he'd be just as bad in the sack with another guy. Get to know what's really going on. Start by telling him what you want and what you expect. He's not a mind reader. Then, without embarrassing him (we're men, we have fragile egos when it comes to sex) take the initiative to make your sex better. You start the role play fantasies. You try the edging and suggest creams that will help him last longer. If you really want to blow his mind, figure out a way to make it all seem like his idea.

And please, for my purely selfish pleasure, try and learn more about gay people because we're more than a bunch of guys looking for new places to stick.