Twice has the California state legislature attempted to legalize gay marriage in California. Both times, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has vetoed the measures, arguing that the court system should decide on the issue. And it did!

On May 15, 2008, in a 4-3 decision, California's Supreme Court ruled in favor of plaintiffs (comprised of gay rights group Equality California, almost two dozen gay couples, and the city of San Francisco), who argued that the 2000 law banning same-sex marriage in the state was discriminatory. The decision makes California the second U.S. state to legalize gay marriage.

"Limiting the designation of marriage to a union 'between a man and a woman' is unconstitutional and must be stricken from the statute," California Chief Justice Ron George said in the written opinion.

Gay marriage opponents are collecting signatures to place the issue on the November ballot in hopes of striking down the measure. It's unclear at this time whether the initiative has enough strength to be successful. In the meantime, same-sex California couples, gay rights organizations and gays across the country are celebrating the landmark victory.

In a written statement, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi wrote, "I welcome the California Supreme Court’s historic decision. I have long fought against discrimination and believe that the State Constitution provides for equal treatment for all of California’s citizens and families, which today’s decision recognizes."

_{Image: Stuart Gaffney (L) and his partner John Lewis hold a California flag in front of the California Supreme Court May 15, 2008 in San Francisco, California. © Justin Sullivan/Getty Images.}

Hi Mona,

My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for a year now. During our time away I contracted HIV. My partner is still negative. Issues come and go, but a major problem for us has been sex both prior to and after my diagnosis. I am less interested in sexual intercourse than he is and this leads him to believe that I am not happy with him. The thing is that I have never been "WOW-ed" by sex with anyone. I can pretty much take it or leave it. I try to indulge him as much as I can, but there is never enough... I am personally fine with our sex life because sex doesn't matter to me. I care about companionship and intimacy more than just the act itself. It makes me feel horrible to think that regardless of what I do to please him sexually he is not satisfied. Any thoughts?

-Anal Angst

Dear AA,

Whether we realize it or not, we all carry around a list of inherent lifestyle priorities. I like to call them our “deal breakers.” Our deal breakers are basically the top things we must have (or think we must have) in order to sustain our happiness. The reason I call them deal breakers is because we often make life decisions based upon them. Deal breakers are often based on our values, which can be in the category of love, politics, health, social causes and so forth. These deal breakers are formed throughout our lives under varying circumstances. Some are healthy; others are not, but at any given time they are the most important to us.

When two people come together, they each bring their own set of deal-breakers. We seek others (consciously or subconsciously) that match our deal breakers best. Here enters compatibility or the things we have in common. In order for a relationship to survive long-term, both partners’ deal breaker lists must either match or, in most cases, both partners must be willing to reach common ground by adjusting their lists. This is called compromise. And this, my friend, is what makes love hard... keep reading

When I came out to my mom, one of her fears was that I would never have kids. I assured her that I could still be gay and have a family. I explained my options. I told her that if I decided to have kids, my partner and I could choose to adopt or have a baby through in vitro fertilization.

According to Circle Surrogacy, an agency that helps match parents with surrogate mothers and donors, 80% of their clients are same-sex couples, up from 10% twelve years ago. And according to Reproductive Science Center of New England, a chain of infertility clinics, gay and lesbian couples exploring surrogacy options has doubled each year since 2004. The number of gay couples that are having children has increased recently, but the "gay baby boom" is no new phenomenon. Gay and lesbian couples have been heading households for years. There are even a few men in the forum that have teenage kids.

Considering having kids either now or in the future?
Learn more about in vitro fertilization. Also check out the list of kids of famous gays.

_{Image © Family Equality Council.}

It started the day my son, Ben, had a hickey on his neck. Having a fairly close relationship with Ben, I asked him about it. First of all, like most 17-year-olds, he denied it was a hickey. I quickly grounded him in reality, stating that I most certainly knew what a hickey looked like. He was flustered but also pleased to be sporting this huge purple blotch on his neck.

"Who is she?" I asked. He had several friends who were girls, and I really couldn't imagine him wrestling romantically with any of them. They had always been strictly platonic. He wouldn't tell me who had delivered the hickey.

Being me, I started listing friends, and acquaintances, hoping to hit upon the right name.

"Kelsey? Miranda? Abby?" He denied them all with a foolish grin. As a joke, I brought up the name of a guy friend of his, who had just recently started showing up around our house. I hadn't met Alex yet, but I knew my son had been out with him the night before.

"Alex?" I teased.

"No," he said. But he smiled a smile that I didn't understand and left the room.

I thought about that for a while. As the days progressed, I started to notice some changes about Ben. He was dressing different, wearing newsboy caps, scarves, and sporting an "indie" beard. He was spending a lot of time with Alex, to the exclusion of his other friends... continued

Dear Mona,

I like this boy. Of course I can't know if he is gay or not, because we are total strangers. I see him 3 days a week during class. After exams he is going to a new school and I’ll never see him again. I am thinking of various ways to approaching him mostly anonymous, like following him to his house to see where he lives or slipping an anonymous letter with my email address or mobile phone number in his bag. I haven't done anything yet, but time is running short and I don't know what to do! I'm really crazy for this guy!

PS: I'm a very shy and insecure, so I don't think I will have the courage to confront him directly.

Dear Desperate Diva,

Crushes come and go, but restraining orders are forever. Don’t stalk the guy or slip him an anonymous note. You don’t even know if he’s gay or if you’ll even like him, for that matter. You only “think” you’ll like him. The jury is still out on that one. I can say this with confidence because I, myself, have had many pain-wrenching fantasies destroyed the moment my crushes opened their mouths... read more

_{Image © Achint Bansal.}

Matthew Pope is the newest homecoming king of Shawnee Mission East High School in Prairie Village, Kansas. Not a particularly electrifying announcement, except that the 17-year-old is openly gay. Even so, the news is still no surprise to those of us that are gay and know that our sexual identity has little to do with our ability to achieve the same things as everyone else does.

High school is a difficult place to be as a kid with a face full of pimples, let alone as an openly gay teen—which makes Pope’s coveted high school title an accomplishment. Homecoming titles are usually reserved for the most popular kids on campus and Pope, according to Jen Chen, wasn’t exactly the most liked kid when he came out his freshman year.

Jen Chen featured Pope in her article “The Shawnee Mission East Class of '08 Loves Its Gay Homecoming King” for The Pitch Kansas City. It’s the latest in what is sure to be a continuous thread of articles featuring the everyday lives of gay men. (Remember the recent Times Magazine article about young gay newlyweds?).

"Everyday gay" stories like Chen’s conjure up both the good and the cliché. Although Matthew Pope’s crown isn’t one many mainstreamers would imagine being given to the “gay guy” on campus, Chen’s over the top portrayal of Pope falls right in line with the old concepts of gay. Matthew is a male cheerleader with a ton of female friends, smiles excessively, back flips at games to roaring cheers, and says hi to everyone. Not a knock to Pope, but this sounds like a trite caricature to me.

The good comes in the recognition of LGBT people's lives. Our sexuality doesn't define us, it's merely a part of us. Our lives, relationships, pains, joys, and achievements are valid and deserve to be seen as they really are and not what others want them to be. What trumps Chen’s cliché is the story of how Pope came out amid harassment and tears, stayed out, and found an outlet that eventually led to his high school crown.

_{Image © Jeff Crump.}

Homosocial

• –adjective

1. of, pertaining to, or exhibiting non romantic and non sexual bonding between two men or two women. Homosocial relationships are often expressed in the form of non-sexual heterosexual friendships or friendships between gay and straight men.

Suggested Reading:
More Gay Words

I've only recently embraced my green thumb. This isn't a prelude to an amputation story, but one of a love for plants, flowers and the outdoors. I'm particularly interested in nature against urban landscapes, perhaps because I live in a concrete jungle and somehow have to integrate my love for greenery with my attraction to urban access. Plus, my mom did tell me once that, as a small child, I loved playing in the dirt—all the time.

Recently, I've embarked on small projects like beautifying the tree in front of the brownstone in which I live, starting a small herb garden for the building, and caring for my growing number of houseplants. Just recently, I rescued a palm tree that some Manhattanite callously abandoned on the curb. My boyfriend helped me get it home, amid screams of profanities from a cab driver rightfully annoyed by the fronds blocking his rear view and the soil smothering his floor mats. For the trouble, we named the plant "Journey."

I am not alone in my like of flora. There was a discussion started in the forum recently about gardening. "Are there any gardeners out there?" one reader asks. "It's one of my passions and here in the lower Midwest we are having one of the best springs ever." Readers have responded with pictures of their gardens and lawns.

I'm looking forward to learning more about gardening. One of my favorite sites about the art of nature is theoccasionalgardener.com. The images and interpretations of the landscapes are stunning. Another must-read is the popular gardening how-to blog gaygardener.com.

Novices like me or seasoned thumbs, join me as I play in the dirt and in our gay gardening discussion.

Related:
11 Ways Gay Men Can Go Green

_{Image: Cherry branch in pot. Courtesy of Theoccasionalgardener.com}

In 1978, Gilbert Baker (born in Kansas in 1951) designed the Rainbow (or Gay Pride) Flag as a symbol of LGBT pride, liberation and diversity.

"In the beginning the Rainbow Flag was about liberation," Baker said in a UK Gay News op-ed piece. "It was about breaking free of an existence limited by fear and conformity, the right to express sexuality without shame or retaliation from those who legislate "morality.'"

But now, 30 years later, Gilbert Baker says the Rainbow Flag is not finished. "In my view the rainbow flag is unfinished, as the movement it represents, an arc that begins well before me, its breadth far broader than all of our experiences put together, reaching the farthest corners of the world with a message of solidarity and a beacon of hope for those who follow in our footsteps."

_{Image © Andy Newman/Florida Keys News Bureau/Getty Images.}

I was out with friends the other night when one lit a cigarette. There is no smoking allowed indoors in New York, so we all waited outside while she finished. No big deal. The conversation had been great the entire night and we were all having a good time.

After she lit, she explained that she only smoked when she drank. I could immediately relate because I used to smoke only in certain situations. As odd as it may sound, dancing was one of them. When it was allowed, I used to get down and throw down, all with a stick in my hand. In essence, the cigs became part of my moves. Oddly (but I'm sure psychologically connected) since I quit smoking, I don't dance as much anymore and definitely not with the same vigor.

I couldn't help but think that night about how smoking wasn't just a habit for me, it was part of my lifestyle. Besides dancing, I'd spent many moments peering out the window, very Carrie from Sex and the City-esque, with my laptop in front of me, taking long drags in-between the sentences I wrote. I thought of how I would light up on queue when I was upset or frustrated or in a really deep conversation. I remembered dragging as a reward for enduring along meetings and events.

The hardest part about quitting has been re-programming my brain to disassociate certain situations and feelings with cigarettes. Sure, I knew how awful cigs were for my health, but most addicts don't do things because they are healthy (or because they make sense).

I've quit and started back and have sense quit again. I'm done for good now. How can I be sure? I just know. I've already changed the part of my lifestyle that I associate with cigs. Now, if I'm writing and I get "the urge," I grab an apple or some trail mix. After a long meeting or dramatic afternoon, I go outside and get some air or go train at the gym. Now all I need to do is work on the dancing part, which fell completely under my radar...

I probably needn't tell you that gay men are at higher risk for lung cancer. So, if you do smoke take that into consideration and quit, for real this time. Terry Martin, About.com's Quit Smoking expert, has some helpful tips on how to quit and change your smoking lifestyle into a non-smoking one like I did. And for everyone else: Another friend said it best, "I've found that the best way to quit smoking is to never start!"

_{Image © Vivek Chugh.}