The New "Mixed" Marriage

When One Partner is Gay

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I spent our next several meetings trying to facilitate clear, open communication between them. What did each of them want? Ann made it clear that she couldn’t tolerate Eric’s having a relationship with both her and Harris. "You’ll have to choose," she told him. But soon afterward, Harris made the choice for Eric by breaking off with him. Eric was crushed, although his boyfriend’s decision also clarified for Eric what he wanted—or at least what he thought he wanted. Now that he’d lost Harris, he couldn’t face the possibility of losing Ann, too. He apologized for hurting her, and told her he wanted to stay married. "I love you, and I promise to stay faithful," he said. Ann was moved and deeply relieved.

The Honeymoon

This new pledge of fidelity initiated the next stage of the coming-out process for Eric and Ann as a couple: a kind of honeymoon period of renewed hope and mutual appreciation. Because Eric truly loved Ann, and because he’d empathized with her pain, she began to feel she’d been reunited with the man she married. Eric, for his part, was profoundly grateful that Ann was willing to take him back. "She’s a saint!" he told me, his voice edged with awe.

Shortly after they reunited, Ann stopped coming to see me. She also refused to see another therapist or attend a support group for straight partners married to gay partners. But Eric continued on in therapy. Before long, he acknowledged that he’d begun to feel restless and dissatisfied. He loved Ann and his kids; there was no question about that. But with no homosexual outlet, his life felt flat and empty.

Eric’s growing dissatisfaction initiated the next stage of the couple’s process, when they become aware of the limits of the possible. While still hurt, Ann was genuinely happy to have Eric back. But, the absence of a man’s emotional and sexual companionship weighed increasingly heavily on him. Increasingly depressed, he found himself surfing internet porn sites once again, and drifting into chat rooms. Before long, he was telephoning men and meeting them for sex—and, he hoped, for love.

Late one night, Ann caught Eric making arrangements on line to hook up with a new man. After an explosive fight, they returned to my office together. "I love you," he told her in that session, "but I have to be who I am. I want to stay married to you and have affairs with men." I still remember my sense of foreboding when Ann, looking strained and pale, agreed to his terms. This type of arrangement can sometimes work out, but only when the straight spouse is willing to take a long, close look at herself. So far, I hadn’t seen any willingness on Ann’s part to do that. I strongly recommended she get some individual therapy, but she assured me, "I can handle this on my own."

Eric continued to meet men, but now told Ann the truth about his plans. Between dates, he’d often sit in their driveway for hours talking on his cell phone with guys he’d met online. From Eric’s vantage point, Ann seemed to be adjusting pretty well to their "new marriage." Then one night Eric returned home from a date to discover that Ann had told their son and daughter that their father was gay. He was stunned and furious. "How dare you tell them without my permission," he raged, "and without letting me be part of the process!"

"What was I supposed to do?" Ann countered bitterly. "You’re out all hours meeting guys, and I’m left here worrying sick you’ll be killed!"

Back into therapy they came.

Ann stubbornly held to her position that she’d told the kids only because she was worried out of her mind, not because she was furious at Eric. Firmly, I told them that I believed that neither one of them was behaving either with respect to themselves or their relationship. As far as I could tell, I said, Ann wanted a full-time, monogamous husband—sexually and emotionally. Eric wanted a boyfriend as well as a wife who was reasonably happy with the arrangement. Their aims were incompatible.

For the next few sessions, I worked on encouraging both of them to examine and identify their authentic relationship needs. Within a few weeks, Eric decided to come out as a gay man—in his words, to live "as the person I’ve been all along." Ann, for her part, realized that it was impossible to make the marriage work. They decided to divorce... Getting Real