Only Attracted to Gay Black Men

Dear Mona,

I'm a 22 year old Mexican-American gay guy. My problem regarding love/sex is this uncontrollable attraction that I have towards Black guys. I cannot be attracted to any guy if he is not Black. I don't know if this a subconscious thing or not, but I would like for this to change since I almost always meet attractive boyfriend-material non-Black men who I think would be great for a relationship. I just can't seem to get physically attracted to them.

I have tried hooking up with White guys and even though on a conversational/emotional level things can work great between us, the physical/sexual level just doesn't work out.

I want to be able to control this impulse or whatever it is, because I do not believe it is OK to be attracted to people of just one race, especially when there are a lot of culturally diverse men out there who could be perfect for me.

Dear Secretary,

The problem with your love problem is that you call it a problem. Wait, that was a little confusing so let me break it down: What makes your attraction so powerful is its ability to trump your corrupted brain. I quote a classic R. Kelly lyric, "My mind is telling me no, but my body...my body is telling me..."

Here's the thing, Papi: You talk about being attracted to African-American guys like it is, as you put it, an impulse or a condition to be controlled. Somehow you have compartmentalized certain guys (or certain races) into certain roles. You've filed away all (emphasis on "all") African-American guys as sex objects and "other" men as intellectual dating material. I'm not sure where you got that from, but men (regardless of race) are way more complex than that.

To solve your "problem" you first need to take some time to open your perceptions about diversity and race. I've heard plenty of tales of men who were physically attractive with an IQ of 12 just as I've heard of an equal amount that can recite Pi to the 13th decimal yet were clueless in bed. The interesting part about these folks is that they are of all different races. You've completely excluded the fact that there are plenty of African-American guys out there that can satisfy you both physically and emotionally. I have a feeling that you're doing this because deep down something bothers you about the fact that you are attracted to African-American men.

Your brain doesn't like the fact that you like African-American guys and thus you have convinced yourself that it's not a good thing. I'd explore your past, family, friends and all that jazz and see where this is rooted—because my brain becomes concerned when you make statements like "there are a lot of culturally diverse men out there who could be perfect for me," implying that your attraction to African-American men is not perfect. No one is perfect, Papi; and if you think that certain races can only satisfy you in certain areas you're in for a world of disappointment.

Get your head out of the racist 60's and open you mind and heart to what you're attracted to. Once you drop your own perception that you can't find intellectual and emotional stimulation from an African-American guy it will become very clear that attraction is attraction, love is love and connections cannot be reduced to categories.

P.S. Just in case you want some references, Mona knows plenty of African-American guys that can talk about things you've never thought of and connect with you on emotional levels you've never experienced.

Yours in 2007,
Mona