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I'm Looking for a Hot Gay Man, Am I Shallow?

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I'm Looking for a Hot Gay Man, Am I Shallow?
Dear Mona,

Have you ever met someone that you kicked it with online but once you met face to face, you find you're not attracted to them physically? Am I a shallow gay man for wanting a hot guy?


Dear Beauty and the Beast,

Physical attraction is an important part of each individual's romantic interest and our own personal sense of a complete package. To what extent physical attraction plays a role is up to the individual, but it shouldn't be discounted. The person that tells you otherwise is probably trying to avoid a facet of themselves we'll talk about in a minute.

Being hot doesn't have to be the most important consideration of a potential date, especially if you dig their personality, but I see no reason why it shouldn't be a factor (remembering that the definition of who's hot is up to you).

Most of our inclination to stray away from the physical is rooted in our own insecurities, not our desire. Not all of us want model perfect men, but we all have a formula for what makes our pupils dilate. What holds us back is a sense that our perfect hottie will not be attracted to us, not the other way around.

Sure you may be attracted to a fella online or via phone. Add pros next to those important categories, but don't feel bad if you're not attracted to him physically. Just as you may not be attracted to a picture perfect person who has no brains, it's perfectly ok to not be attracted to a person who is intellectual sexy, but physically dead. Many of us gay men get on the defensive to such comments because we think of ourselves as the physically dead, hoping someone will "see though" our physical deficiencies onto our personalities. The one cosmic joke is that most of us are more attractive than we think we are.

Rejecting the physical doesn't mean you're any less real or superficial. You are perhaps more real than most, given you aren't waiting by the sidelines to be chosen. You have a better sense of what you actually want.

Your shallow gage should be based on your own set of values. Ask yourself: What do you look for in a man's personality? What about career? Are finances important? Must he make you laugh? Are you more attracted to a thick build rather than a skinny one? The answers are up to you. You become shallow when you deviate from your own set of criteria (or don't have any at all).

Make your own formula for the ideal man, based on the qualities that are important to you. Don't limit yourself (as many of us do) on what we think we can get, go after what we truly deserve to have.

If you've been the victim of a lack of attraction, don't take it personal, take it for what it is- a non match. Only you can guard your self-worth and self-esteem. Don't open yourself up to the gay attraction meter, where we assume we are no attractive unless we pitch a perfect game. Sometimes we throw a curve ball, some times we're the cause of someone else's defeating home run. Either way, stay consistent and believe in your game. The other team didn't put you on the mound, your coach did... and guess what? That coach is you!

Yours in love,
Mona

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