Dear Mona,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now. He has cheated in the past several times and once I physically caught him. He talks about me in bad ways to his friends all the time. He makes me look like a psycho which I am not. He has brought my self esteem down a lot and I don't know how to deal with it. I love him a lot. When we are together we have fun, but he makes me look stupid in front of other people. what kind of advise can you give me?
Dear Effie,
I'm not a fan of the 'bad company is better than no company' philosophy. You love him? Sure, but countless 'mos use those three big words as an excuse for staying in not-so-ideal relationships. You've convinced yourself that your boyfriend's emotional abuse is just him being himself with his buddies; but what he's really doing is breaking up with you. It sounds like you've become the punch line of a running joke between him and his friends... And they're probably wondering exactly how long it will take you to get a clue.
He will keep pushing and abusing until the light bulb goes off and you move on. And why wouldn't he? He cheated and yet you stayed. He says mean things about you to his friends (in front of you), and yet you stay. He will continue to do those things and the treatment will get worse, because he knows... you'll stay!
My tough love here is not in favor of him. I personally think he's a coward for treating you like a one-hit wonder when you should be the star of the show. However, I must put you in control of your own destiny.
That being said, I must ask: Are you staying with him out of love or is it fear? You may not be afraid of him physically, but what is it that keeps you hanging on his heels while he makes a mockery of your relationship? Are you afraid of being alone or being rejected or getting back into the dating market? Of course, your first thought is to fall back on the love part, but as Mama Lisa always tells me, "What's love got to do with it—especially when you have to give up your dignity?"
Love is great when it is mutual and honest. And real love is never part time (i.e. If he treats you nice while you're alone, he should treat you nice in front of his friends). Love becomes our own worst enemy when it shifts to one side. Think of Effie in Dreamgirls. Effie was cheated on, betrayed and kicked out of the group without even knowing it. Yet, instead of walking away and moving on, she continued to vie for the attention of those that rejected her. There she stood begging them to take her back. And when yelling at them didn't work, she proceeded to sing the most desperate relationship anthem ever written, "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going". In case you don't know the lyrics, she says oh-so-desperately, "You're gonna love me!" Meanwhile Curtis—the one that cheated on her—shakes his head and walks away.
Set aside your heart for a moment and stop singing. Your boyfriend is not going to treat you better because you tell him to or wish it upon him. If his part time love is enough for you, then you have to take the baggage that comes along with it; but by the mere fact you reached out, something tells me you know you deserve better.
Don't make excuses for him and don't try and understand why he demeans you in front of his friends. Run and protect the last bit of self-esteem you've got left. Again, as Mama Lisa says, "People only do to you what you let them do to you!" Move on and find someone that'll treat you like a star—not just backstage, but all of the time!
Yours in tune,
Mona
