Q: Dear Mona,
I've been with my boyfriend Mark for two years now. 99% of the time I bottom during sex, but when I try and top I lose my erection. It's very embarrassing and Mark gets upset because he thinks it's him. I feel a little awkward being the aggressive "top" and that urge that the rest of the guys in the world seem to have so strongly just kind of isn't there for me. Should I just accept that I'm a bottom?
A: Dear Weeping Willow,
A mind is a terrible thing to take to bed with you, it only gets in the way. When having sex, crank up your physical desire, set the mood, turn up the passion and emotions; but leave your thoughts on the nightstand. Now, of course for all of you single fellas out there, you need to train your brain to pull out the condoms and set limits for safety; but for couples looking for candy, like you Billy, you have to let go of your inhibitions.
It's not that you're a born bottom, even though that's the position you prefer; it's that you're over thinking what it means to be a top. You're associating top with "aggressive" and "dominant," which is not you. So the thought of performing is creating anxiety, the erection's worst enemy.
Sure, the top tends to be the most dominate in the moment, but this isn't cinema; there are no awards for top performance. You don't need to be or act a certain way for your partner to enjoy you topping. Just be you.
Here are a few tips on how to overcome sexual performance anxiety:
Talk To Your Man
What you think your partner wants may not be what he actually wants. Lessen the pressure of living up to contrived expectations by having a fully-clothed chat with your man about what you both want and need. Cory Silverberg, About.com's Guide to Sexuality says "communicating with a partner is hugely important in reducing these expectations and anxieties."
Ditch The Misconceptions
Not all tops have dominant personalities and not all bottom are submissive. You can lessen your anxiety by reducing the pressure to fill a certain role. Instead of loving in the labels, experiment with what feels good.
Keep A Positive Attitude
AskMen.com Sex Education Correspondent David Strovny writes, "Performance anxiety affects almost everyone, from the beginner to the most seasoned professional; you're not a freak and you're definitely not alone." David's advice is solid. A down mood or limp attitude can sag your soldier, especially if you've accepted defeat before the battle even begins. Relax and know that you'll be able to perform.
Practice doesn't make perfect; practice makes habits. Most tops don't just stick and go. Any top worthy of his crown starts slow and builds momentum. He knows how to relax his partner and at the same time excite himself. Experiment with your man and practice. Tickle, kiss, lick, and do until you find out what has him eager to flip. Then take your time and focus on his pleasure. The more he gets into it, the more excited you'll get. Drive him to the moment where he practically begs for more attention, then give him what he wants. And trust me, by that time your soldier will know just what to do.