Too Young for Erection Problems

Dear Mona,

I'm having a problem keeping my erection while being intimate. I have no problems when I'm by myself, but I almost always lose my erection when someone is with me. It becomes extremely frustrating for both myself and whomever I'm with. It's taking a toll on my dating life.

For the 3 years that I've been having sex with men, I've always been a bottom boy. Lately I've really wanted to try and top, but it's too embarrassing to even try when I already know that in a matter of minutes I'll be soft. I'm 21 with what appears to be an erectile dysfunction. Please, I'm desperate for some help.

Thanks,
Missing In Action

Dear Cold Case,

Here you are 21, sexually hyped, ready to flip and the pipes are busted. Your situation reminds me of the first time the quarterback threw me the ball during a high school football game. I had run the scenario in my head (alone) a million times. He throws, I catch, we score. But when it was time to perform, I dropped the pigskin almost every time. And there is no worse feeling than seeing a sign of disappointment crease the gaze of the one person you want to please.

The anxiety of my limp hands got so bad I continued to drop the ball in practice. My frustration multiplied. I couldn't even focus on my patterns. I continued to choke and he eventually stopped throwing me the ball.

Then, almost as if descending from the sky, my savior came. My cousin, Mr. Jock himself, offered to help. "Relax!" he said. "Even the pros drop the ball every once in a while. You've got yourself so worked up, you can forget about ever catching the ball!"

He continued with his locker room wisdom: "You're so hyped up and stressed out, man. You have to get in the zone and forget about being the best or making the play and just do it. Stop concentrating on your hands and start keeping your eye on the ball!"

The ball? The ball! Of course. I was so concerned about my droopy hands that I forgot all about the prize floating towards me. My cous threw me a couple. I dropped the first few. "Relax. The ball!" he yelled from across the yard. And like the ending of any good Hallmark movie, I made the catch.

As Cory Silverberg, the Sexuality Guide at About.com, points out: "Erections in some ways are like the canary in the coal mine. A man’s ability to get and maintain an erection can be impacted by everything from diet and stress to medications and disease." Silverberg also notes that "we have unrealistic expectations of erections in our society tied to several myths about male sexuality. We think a man should be able to get an erection whenever he wants one or whenever he’s offered sex. Not true. All men have problems with erections at some point in their life, often at several points in their lives."

If you couldn't stand tall by yourself, then I would say that your temporary erectile dysfunction might be medically related. However, it only happens when it's time to receive. You've run right into a pattern of self-perpetuating anxiety. You'll never be able to move to a new position if you don't find a way to ease the congestion in your head. The rush should go to your performing parts, not your brain during the game of intimacy. Instead of repeatedly checking on your biscuit during sex, focus on your partner's satisfaction. Don't worry about what he may be thinking, only how he feels. If he's any kind of man, he'll understand that limp happens.

You have plenty of time to travel to the top of the world. For now, conquer the bottom. Enjoy the process of sex without focusing on the outcome. Eventually, as you clear your field of mental what-ifs, you'll give room to passes of a more pleasurable nature.

In Salute,
Mona