Q: Dear Mona:
I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm a virgin. I've been intimate before with both girls and guys but have never gone all the way. I'm dating this great guy right now and I'm not sure how to tell him. I don't want him to run from my lack of experience. My friends have advised me just to hook up with someone random so I can avoid this awkward situation but that's not me. I want to be with someone I really care about and I think this guy could be it. -Arthur
A: Dear Arthur:
Going out and getting one under your belt, sort of speak, may help you get over the awkwardness of the first time, but it won't teach you how to be a good lover. Why? The best sex is had when your guard is down; when there is just you and him and the feeling. You'll already be anxious as a newbie and it's easier to relax with someone you know than it is with a stranger. Forget about a quick hook up; let the guy you like help guide you. If you focus on getting it right instead of just getting it done, he won't care that you're a newbie.
Tell him it's your first time. This is important because he may jump in for the feel without realizing that you need a little more warm up. Let him know that he needs to take it easy and be gentle.
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Turn it into a game. You have a lot to discover. Turn your foreplay into a fun game of Dorian The Explorer. Have him search the terrain of your body with his hands, tongue and lips. Every inch. The goal is for him (but mainly you) to find what turns you on. Tell him when he gets to the spot(s) that you enjoy the most. Have him spend some time there. Switch. Now you explore his body. Be honest and vocal about what you like and don't like.
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Take your time.Too many guys want to race down the Autobahn of foreplay. Get in the slow lane and let your body and senses warm up. You're not riding solo here, take your time and let your senses go crazy on a long road trip to the end. Set the scene to where there is nothing but you, him and all of the time you need.
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Let go. Sex is oftentimes awkward and sometimes funny as you gain complete confidence in yourself and your partner. Go with the flow. Try not to get anxious. There is no one right way to do it. And it's too early to get bogged down in labels (Am I a top or bottom?) or to think that you have to be or act or perform in a certain way. You don't even have to go "all the way" if you don't want. Just be you and let your body show you where to go.
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Finally, be safe. Be sure to wrap it up and know your limits. I still hear some people talk of HIV as if it's just a long-term illness. Well, it's not; it's an incurable virus that causes complications that can lead to more serious complications including death and exorbitant medical bills. Don't believe the hype; believe the facts and protect yourself.
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Happy exploring, my friend. Relax, take a deep breath, keep your mind in the moment and let your body take control.
Yours with her roadmap,